What Mama Reads - April

Can you believe I actually read FOUR WHOLE BOOKS this month, even with a 5 month old??  Awesome.  My reading role model has always been my mother; despite homeschooling six children, I never remember her without a book.  I also remember finding her book journal once, asking her about it and having her tell me that after she had kids, she challenged herself to keep her mind active by reading classic literature.  A few years ago, I started a book journal as well and it's both helpful to see what I've already read so I don't accidentally repeat books and interesting to see the patterns of what I've read throughout the years. 

Here's what I've read this month:

Bringing Up Bebe - Pamela Druckerman

Very interesting book.  It's written by an American woman who marries a British man living in Paris.  As she writes their story of meeting, getting married, having one baby, then having twins and raising all three children in France, she describes several main differences between typical French parenting and typical American parenting.  What keeps this book interesting is the fact that it's as much Druckerman's story as it is a treatise on cultural differences.  I found myself identifying very much with what Druckerman describes as mainstream French parenting - babies expected to sleep through the night, children expected to eat like adults, children being strictly trained in manners and appropriate social behavior, parents not allowing the child to be the center of the home.  I do wonder what the French actually think of her book; is she over-glorifying the results of French parenting?  Is she overgeneralizing?  Is French parenting really better or just different?  I've asked a French friend what she thinks; if she's able to read the book and give me her perspective, I'll let you know.

Grace For the Good Girl - Emily Freeman

Another great book.  I was drawn to it because I've always classified myself as a "good girl" who is very performance-oriented; the subtitle of this book is "Letting Go of the Try-Hard Life".  I definitely need to let go of trying to perform to achieve God's approval, hiding behind a mask of perfection, fearing failure, and attempting to live up to a perceived expectation of constant strength from others.  Freeman outlines many aspects of life in which we try too hard or live inauthenticly and then outlines what our biblical perspective on the Christian life should be.  I will be referring to this book very often, and I even think I'll store it away as a possible counseling resource.

Why Christians Can't Trust Psychology - Ed Bulkley

I know...I know...sounds like a wacko alarmist title, doesn't it?  I read this at the recommendation of my family life pastor when I asked for resources that explained the nouthetic approach to counseling.  I can't say that I totally buy the arguments outlined within this book; some of it was slightly witch-hunty and alarmist and many examples of how terrible psychology is focused on the more bizarre aspects of the profession (nude therapy, anyone?).  I found his arguments for Christians utilizing nouthetic counseling to be much more convincing than his arguments against Christians seeking psychological counseling.  In general, I do tend to agree with the author's basic premises that the foundations psychology and psychiatry frequently do not line up with Scripture and that, while many of the "studies" are interesting and may provide practical technical tools, ultimately it is reaching the heart and having Christ transform lives that will be the key aspect of life change.  I should note that my family life pastor also recommended a book defending Christian psychology - Gary Collins' Can Christians Trust Psychology? and I do plan on reading that at some point; however, my brain can only handle so much of the same topic at once before it starts to explode. 

Crazy Love - Francis Chan

My brother Stephen has already begun a series of posts reviewing this book on his blog, so I won't go into too much detail on mine.  The only thing I will really say is that my thoughts on this book were mixed.  I know it's a hugely popular book, a New York Times bookseller, and that Francis Chan is also a big name right now.  Lots of people love him and lots of people love this book.  I can appreciate some aspects of this book - the call to be in awe of God, the call to not be complacent in our Christian life, the charge to examine our lives, the call to not withhold our lives from what the Holy Spirit might want to do with us even if it seems radical to others.  I think that is a needed message for imany Christians.  My problem is mainly with the foundational theology expressed within the book.  For example, the most controversial quote within the book is most likely this one: "As I see it, a lukewarm Christian is an oxymoron; there's no such thing.  To put it plainly, churchgoers who are 'lukewarm' are not Christians.  We will not see them in heaven (p.84)."  I disagree with that.  I also have a problem with his examples of radical living for Christ.  Not that I think it's wrong to be completely radical, but I think because his examples are so radical, that many people will miss the completely ordinary things that Christ is calling them to because they won't see them as radical enough for a committed believer.

So, that's it for this month. 

Has anyone read those books?  Thoughts?

What other awesome books did you read this month that you can recommend to me?

I Don't Care About the Rules Anymore

It happened.  It finally happened.  And it only took three kids for me to get here.  I have officially decided that I do not care what "the rules" are regarding parenting decisions. or general baby care.  Let me tell you what I do not care about. 

1)  Drop side cribs - I have two of them.  All three children have survived them.  If you put the crib together correctly, nothing bad will happen.

2) Crib bumpers - I use them.  All three children have managed to not strangle themselves or suffocate or whatever dangerous things are supposed to happen if you dare to use them.  The only time I tried taking them off, whichever baby it was spent all night waking himself up rolling around, banging his head on the wooden railings and getting feet stuck between the slats.  I really prefer to sleep than play Crib Monitor.

3) Scheduled feedings - The AAP actually has an official standing on parent-directed feeding (aka Babywise).  Again, this is directed to people who refuse to feed their babies except on the rigid schedule that they have decided on. I have always paid attention to my babies' hunger cues, based a routine off of what he was doing already, and if they seemed hungry outside of the routine, I just fed them.  Common sense. 

4) Solids.  Apparently, you're now supposed to not give the baby a drop of anything except breastmilk (or formula if you're bottlefeeding) until 6 months (as opposed to 4-6 months which was the recommendation until I had this baby).  Because I hate doing solids, and it takes so darn long, I SWORE I wasn't going to do it until 6 months anyway. I lied.

This little boy has suddenly started eating like A BOY.  He is STARVING all the time.  He has started eyeing my food longingly and trying to grab the fork out of my hand if he sits with me at mealtimes.  So I decided to see what he would do if I gave him applesauce.  He loves it.  LOVES it.   He also loves bananas, sweet potatoes and peaches too.  He opens his mouth for every bite like he's been doing this forever.  He's a pro.  Oh, and I also do not care about the "rule" that you only feed one food at a time for 3-5 days to watch out for a food allergy.  Nor am I worried that if I feed him fruit first, he will not eat vegetables.  Whatever, dude...lies!  All lies!!!!  He's getting whatever fruits and veggies I happen to have in the house in no particular order.  It'll be fine.

5) Medicine recommendations.  Eh.  I'm going to do what I need to do to make my sick babies comfortable.  Don't use Vicks Baby Rub on a baby under 3 months? Broke that one. Don't give cough/cold medicine to a child under 4-6 years old? Broke that one too. 

6) Developmental milestones.  I'm only about half worried about this.  Obviously, if my kids weren't able to hold their heads up, or babble or make eye contact or do MAJOR things, I would be concerned.  But I've now had one kid crawl at 6 months, walk at 9 months and one who crawled at 9 months and walked at almost 14 months.  Kids have their own timeline and most of the time they will figure stuff out on their own. 

Like the natural mohawk?

7) Bathing my kids.  Oh yes, I am just really a slacker about this one.  My pediatrician likes to tell me how all six of his children got a nightly bath as part of their bedtime routine.  Right...I'm lucky if my kids get bathed once a week.  I am honestly not sure when Isaac's last bath was.  And really...it's not like he's rolling around in the dirt at 5 months old. 

8) "Back to sleep".  All the reports of SIDS babies make you terrified for your baby to sleep on his belly. I actually broke the rules with my first baby, if you'll believe that.  Ethan hated being swaddled and would constantly startle himself awake, so we tried putting him on his belly.  Genius.  Worked like a charm.  Isaac (third kid) has been sleeping on his belly by choice since he was about 4 months old as well.  The interesting thing is that my earliest walker was the one who slept on his belly.  Correlation?  Who knows.

9) Presents.  Sorry, Isaac, but you are so totally getting toys re-gifted from the upstairs closet.  You will never know the difference.  You will love those toys just as much as if they were brand new.

And finally...
10) I don't know how to word this one, but basically, I don't care who holds him anymore.  By this, I mean, I used to freak out if he was being passed around from person to person (maybe not on the outside because I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable) but I just wanted to protect him from germs and thought it would upset babies to be passed around.  Now, honestly, you may hold him.  Because that means that I get a break.  Besides...he's so cute.  How could I stop anyone from wanting him? 

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Confessions of a Duggar Judger

So you know how we all have those sins that we seem to tend towards?  One of mine is judgmentalism.  I know, all my friends are just shocked.  Well, I'm sorry to say that it's true.  I'm a judger.  You know what God has been using to chip away at that aspect of non-Christlikeness in my life? 

Parenting.

Yep, parenting.  I seem to continually find myself in a place of judging other parents for parenting practices or lifestyle choices.  And then one of two things happens: 1) I have a situation arise with my kids where I suddenly find myself trying a technique that I always decried or 2) I am suddenly enlightened as to why that family uses that technique and that it works for them and that that's ok.  And then God reminds me that the high-and-mighty-attitude I was allowing was actually judgmentalism. 

I've even done this with TV families.  Why I care to judge reality TV families, I have no idea.  The Duggars have taken the biggest hits in my head.  Actually, they've taken a lot of hits for their very radical family choices - a belief in not using birth control, homeschooling, continuing to have children despite a premature birth (and now a stillborn), conservative dressing, etc. 

I have a tendency to go on spurts with my reading where I read all one genre for several weeks before switching.  About a month ago, I was on a "true story" genre kick, and decided to read the Duggars book A Love That Multiplies. 

This was probably pure voyeurism on my part, but I have to admit that at least one positive thing came from reading this book.

Being a mother of so many different children, Michelle Duggar is a woman who has much experience behind her.  I was surprised to find myself taking away from parenting techniques that have really impacted my attitude towards my children.  It has always stood out to me that Michelle advises mothers of young children to always smile at their kids.  She also talks about how she was convicted about using a very quiet, gentle tone of voice with her kids, particularly when they have committed some sort of offense.  Initially, I thought, Well, that's just artificial.  Why should I put on a happy face?  They need to see the impact of their actions on other people.  And then this happened: Ethan is a typical firstborn child, with the typical desire to please his parents.  While he shows a strong desire to please Dave and I, he also shows very intense emotions when he realizes that he has disappointed us.  Yesterday, I walked into his bedroom to get him from rest time and he had dumped an entire small bottle of baby powder (no idea where he found it) all over the floor, bed, rug, dresser and fan.  My eyes widened, my jaw dropped and I reacted sharply.  "Ethan!!!!  WHAT did you DO???  Why is there powder all over everything???  Why in the world would you DO such a thing???"  He looked up at me, and began to cry.  "I don't want you to be mad at me!!!" he said.  Ohhhhh....honey.   I went over and sat next to him, composing myself in the process.

"Ethan, look at Mommy."
He looks up, bottom lip protruding, forehead wrinked in concern.
"Does Mommy look mad?" (calmly smiling at him)
"Noooo???"
"No.  Mommy is not mad.  Mommy doesn't like the mess, but I am not mad at you. Ok?"
"Ok."
"Mommy is going to go take a shower and then when I'm done, we need to go get the vacuum so that you can clean up your mess.  When you make a mess, you have to clean it up yourself, ok?"
"OK!!...can I use the big vacuum thing?!?!" (with excitement)
"Yes. But you can't dump things on the floor, ok?"
"Yes, Mommy."
I didn't realize until recently that I need to be paying much more attention to my facial expression and my tone of voice both when I correct them and when I am giving instructions. 

2 Timothy 2:24-25

And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness...

I realized that not only is Ethan reacting with extreme emotions, but Noah is also reading me as being angry with him.  The other day he peed in his pants and I was reacting with clear irritation.  "Mom, are you mad at me?" he asked me.  I shouldn't have been...he'd only had an accident, he didn't sin against me or anyone else...but I was. 

I love that Michelle Duggar tries to practice a disciplined control of her facial expression and tone of voice. 

Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Not only does a soft answer turn away the other person's anger, but disciplining ourselves to give that gentle response also makes it possible to stifle the angry or irritated attitude within ourselves. 

So yes, I used to be a Duggar Judger, but I learned something from her. Sometimes no matter how different a person's parenting philosophy may be, there is always something we can learn from them.  Let's all try to be careful not to close our minds to what God might have us learn from someone who is very different from us.  After all, God didn't gift any of us with 100% of parenting wisdom.  I can see God's gentleness expressed through Michelle Duggar's actions and it's attractive enough for me to want to emulate her. 

But don't worry.  I won't be having 19 children any time soon.  I think I'll just stick with trying to be gentle to the 3 that God has given me. 

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Jello 1 2 3

Show of hands.  Who remembers Jell-O 1-2-3?  You know, this stuff:

For those of you who have no idea what this is, let me explain.  Jell-O 1-2-3 was a gelatin dessert that after mixed, separated into three layers while chilling, one solid Jell-O, one a foamier Jell-O, and a third very foamy topping.  Sometime in the late 80s/early 90s, Jell-O discontinued it.  I have always been disappointed because it was one of my favorite childhood desserts.  Apparently there are a lot of other people who were also disappointed because I actually found an online petition to "Bring Back Jell-O 1-2-3".  With over 6,000 signatures.  Huh.  No, I did not sign it. 

Over Easter, my mom made the boys another dessert I used to love - finger jello - and it reminded me of Jell-O 1-2-3.  And guess what?  Google will tell you anything you want to know, including a mock recipe for Jell-O 1-2-3.  Here it is (and it's also on the back of the small packages of Sugar-Free Jell-O):

3/4 cup boiling water

1 sm pkg Jell-O Sugar Free gelatin, any flavor

Ice cubes

1/2 cup cold water

1/2 cup Cool Whip Lite, thawed

Add boiling water to gelatin mix in medium bowl; stir until completely dissolved.  Pour into blender.  Add enough ice to the cold water to measure 1 1/4 cups.  Add to blender and blend for about 30 seconds until smooth.  Add Cool Whip and blend until smooth.  Pour into dessert cups and chill for 20 minutes until set. 

Now.  Although this seems really really easy...and it is...it's a pretty touchy recipe, I think.  It didn't separate into layers the first time I made it.

And I really don't know what I did wrong.  It still tasted good, just didn't separate.  I tried again later and it worked just fine, but it only separated into two layers not three like the original store-bought stuff did. 

Again, I don't know what, if anything, I did different that made it work.  The only trick I can think of is that it might work to fill all the dessert cups halfway and then go back a minute later and slowly add more after it starts setting. 

My other caution is to not try to make a double batch of this unless you have a massive blender because your kitchen counter will look like this:

So, there you go.  Blast from the past.  If anyone else tries it and it works great, let me know what you think the trick is.  Enjoy!

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Tooth Time

I had been dreading this for weeks.  Actually, I think I've been dreading it for at least a year.  The pediatrician had been telling me to take the boys to the dentist for a year and a half, ever since Ethan's 3 year checkup.  Originally, I just forgot.  And then I got pregnant with Isaac and there were just so many extra appointments that I didn't even want to think about adding another one.  Generally, I try to only schedule one appointment a week because wrangling small children in a doctor's office is just really tiring.  But then the pediatrician asked me if the boys had been to the dentist at Ethan's 4 year checkup...and then again at Noah's 3 year checkup, so I realized I really couldn't get away with avoidance any longer.  I just sort of inwardly groaned at the visions I was having in my head - visions of me holding a baby and simultaneously trying to comfort freaked out preschoolers in two different rooms. 

I chose to go to a pediatric dentist rather than a regular old family dentist hoping that it would go smoother.  And it was perfect.

Isaac slept in until 9:00 am (wahoo!) which meant that he didn't need to nurse during the appointment.  Alas, this did mean that he was ready for a nap during the appointment but I sort of rocked him to sleep for a short cat nap and he was fine.

The hygenists were great.  They let the boys feel the suction and the electric toothbrush on their hands before they had them lay down for the cleaning.

(Of course I took my camera.  I'm a blogger desperate for inspiration.)

They took x-rays.  Cute little techniques like telling them that they had to bite down on the "alligator" to take pictures helped them relax.



The boys were great.  They followed every single direction the hygenists gave them, never whined, never cried and never got weirded out.  I think it helped that I never portrayed to them that going to the dentist would possibly scare them.  I think some people say things like, "Now when we go to the dentist, you don't have to be scared."  And then the kids think they should be scared and therefore are.  I just gave them the facts of what was going to happen, "The dentist is a tooth doctor.  You're going to get in a special chair and the people will clean your teeth with a special toothbrush and then the dentist will check your teeth to see if they are healthy."

While waiting for the dentist, the hygenists were great.  One showed Ethan a picture book of yucky teeth and explained dental hygiene.  He asked lots of good questions and was able to explain to Dave all about tooth health at dinner last night.

And the results were....NO CAVITIES!  Ethan may have an anterior crossbite, which will hopefully self-correct when the permanent teeth come in.  He also has a suspicious area on one tooth that might turn into a cavity later.  This all definitely made me feel better because I do not brush their teeth twice a day, nor do I brush them for the requisite two minutes.  I'm lucky if I get to brush them for 20 seconds once a day. 

I also had the dentist look at Isaac's upper lip tie to see if he thought it was worthy of intervention (i.e. clipping).  He does not.  He said he was worried that the healing process would be too difficult and that the clipping would create scar tissue buildup that would interfere with his teeth coming in correctly.  Ugh.  So...basically, I have to suck it up and deal with minor nursing pain for several more months.  Thankfully, I'm no longer crying when he latches on, but it's still not a "gentle tugging" like normal nursing is supposed to be. 

So yea!  It was fine!  It was great!  Let's do it again in 6 months!  Hooray!

Biblical Counseling Level 401

So.  A month ago, Dave and I started taking an Introduction to Biblical Counseling class at our church.  I've been getting hints from heaven that maybe my ministry niche is somewhere in the counseling arena, but I figured nothing much would happen for a while.  I mean, gosh, I'm only 31...most of the counselors at church are at least over 40ish.  That's 9 years of exploration and learning and training, right?  I would just dip my feet in and see what the water's like. 

I attended the Mentoring Lab/Counseling Team meeting last night.  And it was a bit like starting a semester with no prior experience in French taking French 101 and then transferring directly into Advanced Conversation and Compostition 401.  Whoa.  This...is deep stuff.  The importance of confidentiality and the effects it has on the unity of the church.  A biblical view of illness.  A case study.  Examples of resources to use with mentees.

As a completely irrelevant side note: someone may want to come up with a term other than "mentee" for the counseled person.  Every time someone called them a mentee, this is what I saw in my head:


Manatee


Weird, I know.  But seriously...doesn't it sound like that????  Anyway...now that every counseler will be thinking of their counselee as a bizarre mammal...

So yeah...it's very interesting to me to see where this is going and how it's playing out.  Typically, when an opportunity for ministry or whatever arises that seems interesting, I am totally gung-ho and get so excited about it I can hardly stand it.  I think about it all the time, I plan for it to happen, I talk about it endlessly with Dave.  And then nothing happens.  This time, I'm being really cautious.  I'm mentally sitting back and watching things happen and then responding as doors open up.  And lots of doors are opening up as I sit and wait.  I'm just getting little bits of confirmation here and there that this could, in fact, be where God wants me and not where I think I want to be. 

I'm nervous.  Last night, I could feel my stomach twisting into knots as I envisioned myself dealing with the situations that were described.  Will I really be able to offer reminders of God's truth to struggling people too?  Will I be able to come up with worthwhile homework assignments?  Will people respect me?  Will they open up to me?  I feel like I did sitting in my education classes at Messiah.  Preparing lesson plans, reading about classroom management strategy, learning about multiple intelligences and Bloom's taxonomy, taking seven Praxis tests, taking over class periods student teaching and all the while thinking, I can't do this.  This is too much.  I'll never figure it out and have kids learn anything from me.  But thinking like that clearly underestimates how much God equips us for what we're called to do.  I can teach.  And I am pretty sure I'm a really good teacher.  All those overwhelming college education classes?  They make teaching seem a lot harder than it really is once you roll your sleeves up and actually start doing it instead of just thinking about it.  Sure, I didn't start out as a good teacher and I certainly haven't arrived at perfection. I do truly wonder if my very first students really learned anything from me. I definitely know I was a terrible classroom manager (although possibly better than the teacher who got fired - whose position I took - who left the classroom for smoke breaks, told the 7th graders to "just stay in the room and be quiet" and flashed her underwear to the high school French I class).   But God gifted me as a teacher and He gifted me with the abilities to self-analyze and be reflective and to learn from my experiences. I'm sure that will happen if counseling is where I end up ministering within my church.  Nothing will be perfect.  I will screw up.  I will need to tweak my approaches and continually learn. 

And above all, I need to remember that nothing I do is through my own ability without Christ.  Last night I heard myself thinking about how I am going to do this counseling thing correctly.  I haven't even started to do anything and I'm already gauging my performance.  I'm already thinking that if I do it well, I'll be a good Christian and following my true calling, but if I don't do it well, I'll be a bad Christian and failing God in my calling.  And when I think of it that way, I'm not trusting God, I'm trying to perform.  Emily Freeman, in her book Grace for the Good Girl writes, "If I am trying to please God, it is difficult to trust God.  But when I trust God, pleasing him is automatic."  I know that we should always thoughtfully engage in service, but I almost think that for me, to get started in this, I'm going to have to not think about it, not analyze it too much in the beginning.  I need to just be in it.  Remain in Him. The ability to do what God calls us to do - whether it's leading a small group, counseling struggling people, rocking babies in the nursery, leading worship, serving as a missionary in a foreign country, greeting people at the doors on Sunday morning - comes directly from Him. 

I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant. (2 Cor 3:5)

I need to wrestle not with how well I will perform, but instead answer this question: "Are you trying to be who Jesus wants you to be?  Or do you trust him to bring out who he has already created you to be?" - Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl

Every year of my life, it seems a little bit of myself is revealed that I didn't even know existed.  Is "a counselor" part of who He has created me to be? We'll see.