"Babies Aren't Helpless Blobs"

Generally, when blogging, I like to avoid potentially controversial parenting topics. In particular, I prefer to avoid talking about specific parenting strategies because 1) some people think I'm a terrible parent for employing them and 2) I don't want anyone to feel judged if they don't use the strategies that work for us.  

I think I'm going to break my own rule, and I hope I can do it in a way that doesn't make anyone feel as though I'm pointing a finger at them and declaring that every single parent must do what I do in order to achieve success. 

Dave and I have three kids who are great sleepers.  Every single one of them has, by 4-6 months, started sleeping 10-12 hours at night.  Ethan slept 5-6 hours at 4 weeks, Noah did it at 9 weeks and Isaac did it eh, somewhere around there (curse of the third child...it's all a blur).  I'm not telling you this to brag; I'm just trying to give myself a tad bit of credibility for what I'm going to discuss.  A lot of people seem to think that all this sleeping is pure luck.  It's certainly a blessing, but it is not pure luck.  I believe in teaching a baby to sleep (some call this "sleep training" but that makes it sound like an exercise at a military boot camp), and I've worked really hard to achieve good sleepers. 

Before I even talk about it, I would like to clarify a few things: 
1) I am explaining my own beliefs and what has worked well for my family.  Having good sleep early on is a priority around here, thus I put in some effort with my babies so that I don't have to do it later.  I understand that other families are more relaxed about this or that they prefer to worry about it later or that they have more stamina to stick out the getting-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night stage than I do. 
2) I understand that every baby is different; some babies are difficult to figure out, some babies seem to instinctively know how to sleep well and others will not sleep no matter what anyone does.  I am not declaring this to be the definitive method to force babies to sleep. 
3) Sleep training involves more than cry-it-out, which is what comes to nearly everyone's mind when the term comes up.  But just to be clear...I do not callously allow my children to cry it out indefinitely in an attempt to force an agenda on them. 

While reading Pamela Druckerman's book Bringing Up Bébé, her recent book about how French and American parenting differs, she describes how these countries' popular attitudes on infant sleep are completely opposite.  While American parents tend to commiserate over how little sleep they are getting and how their children (infants and older) are terrible sleepers, the French popular view on child sleep is that they will, in fact, sleep and they will sleep well from a very early age (2-3 months old).  Druckerman explains in details about why many French parents follow this practice, (largely scientifically based on sleep research) but there was another reason that stood out to me because I completely agree:

They believe babies can learn things, including healthy sleep patterns. And not only are babies capable of learning, they are capable of being taught. 

I completely agree with this, and I believe that it has been crucial to why the Spence boys are such good sleepers.

I think a lot of people believe that sleeping through the night "just happens", and that there's nothing parents can do to help this along, as though adults are (or should be) at the mercy of their babies. I pretty much believe the opposite.  I believe that parents can help their baby learn to sleep well, that the teaching can be done in a gentle and loving way, that parents don't need to be at the mercy of their babies, that babies can learn to sleep well, and that it is healthy for them to do so at an early age. 

What does teaching a baby to sleep well mean?
1) Parents learn to read their baby's sleep cues.  Are they yawning?  Are they starting to whimper?  Have they been awake for a while?  Are their eyes a little red? 
2) Parents respond to their baby's sleep cues. At the first sign of sleepiness, put the baby down - awake - to sleep.  Thus, they learn to fall asleep just like adults do. 
3) Parents "pause" before responding to a crying or fussing baby in order to evaluate their true needs.  Druckerman quotes a French article on sleep: "Before responding to an interrogation, common sense tells us to listen to the question...It's exactly the same thing with a crying baby; the first thing to do is to listen to him" (p.48).  For example, although adults have learned to connect sleep cycles, newborns haven't.  When a parent gives the baby a little time to squirm, fuss, whimper, maybe even cry a little, they are helping them learn to connect sleep cycles.  Waking up and even crying, does not always signal distress or hunger.  It might, but it doesn't always.  It is helpful to give it a few minutes and see what the baby does.  If he goes back to sleep, it was just the interval between sleep cycles.  If he doesn't, and continues to escalate the crying, then you pick up the baby and try to figure out what the need is.   

Why do I think it's a good idea?  
1) Parents need sleep as much as babies do.  There is no point in being deliberately exhausted.  There is no award for "Most Exhausted Mother".  If you can help your baby to sleep well, then you will sleep well, and you will be able to be a better mother.  It is not necessary to neglect your own health in order to be a good mom.
2) Babies need lots of sleep.  Just like adults do, sometimes they have trouble sleeping.  We train ourselves to sleep, but a baby often needs help.  In fact, Druckerman explains how newborns don't know how to connect sleep cycles, therefore they often cry when they wake up in between them.  If a parent rushes in to the crib the second they hear a noise, the baby will have a harder time learning to connect them.  We adults typically wake up in between sleep cycles, but we've become adept at falling immediately back to sleep (p.46). 
3) Although babies certainly are delicate and in need of gentle, loving, nurturing care, they are capable of learning significant concepts, even if they aren't learning them consciously and by our "big word" terms.  They can learn to deal with frustration or that it's okay to be alone or that life doesn't revolve around them or that they are a part of a family consisting of other people who also have needs.  Babies are fairly adaptable.  I know many people like to throw out the famous study that crying-it-out damages their psyche, but I question that to a degree.  I certainly don't question whether it damages a child to be routinely neglected and left to cry indefinitely for long periods of time with no attempt to discern the problem.  But many people use this study to declare that parents should under no circumstances allow a baby to cry for any period of time, and that, I think, is nonsense and actually lacking in common sense.  To quote Druckerman again,

"French parents] have a bundle of beliefs and habits, which when applied patiently and lovingly, put babies in the mood to sleep well.  [This] works in part because parents believe that tiny babies aren't helpless blobs.  They can learn things.  This learning, done gently and at a baby's own pace, isn't damaging.  To the contrary, parents believe it gives the babies confidence and serentity, and makes them aware of other people.(p.54)

 Sooo....thoughts?  What were your practices and thoughts about your babies sleeping?

P.S. Since this is a controversial topic, if you leave a comment, please use your words wisely and respectfully.  I reserve the right to delete a comment that I deem to be disrespectful, derogatory or inappropriate.  It is possible to thoughtfully disagree with others. Thanks!

Mystery (Nearly) Solved

The breastfeeding soap opera is coming to a close.  I have finally - FINALLY - found an answer to the breastfeeding pain.  And after all that run-around that I described last week, it is not thrush.  Most likely, anyway.

The culprit is...maxillary labial frenum.

Huh?!?!

Yeah, that was my reaction too.  Let me translate.  Some people call this upper lip tie.  If you take your tongue and run it up between your upper lip and your gum, you will feel a small fold of tissue that connects the lip to the gum.  For most of us, this is not very pronounced and you can barely see it.  However, in some people, it is more pronounced and tight, which does not allow the upper lip to open as widely.  In babies, this can cause breastfeeding problems.  Many babies have this and it doesn't affect their ability to breastfeed at all.  For others, it is a huge problem.  When the baby does not open their lips widely enough, they get a shallow latch on the mothers, which causes nipple compression  and extreme discomfort and pain for her. 

There isn't much information on this, at least in regards to how it can affect breastfeeding.  Probably why I had never heard of it until a fellow blogger asked if there was a possibility of upper or lower tie.  Thank the Lord for Google.  I immediately searched for "upper tie breastfeeding" and this is what popped up.  Oh my goodness, my mouth fell open and my eyes got wide because, oh my goodness!  He SO HAS THIS!!!!!

I have always noticed that he curls in his upper lip when he latches, and I generally try to uncurl it, but I never really thought it was terribly relevant.  But this is what babies do when they have it.  I picked up Isaac, pushed up his upper lip, and saw this:

See that little piece of tissue running down his gum?  That's what keeps him from opening his lips wide enough.

So what can be done?  Well, you can get it clipped.  *Shudder*   But you don't necessarily have to.  You can start by working on the latch.  The mother who blogged about it in the above link took pictures of how she got her babies (four of them) to latch nearly correctly.  It was slightly strange that she took pictures of her nipples and posted them on the Internet, but I am grateful she did because it helped me figure out how to do it.  (For anyone who doesn't want to read through the whole article, basically you just use your thumb to force the nipple into the correct place while he latches and then flip his upper lip way out at the same time.) I tried it and immediately it felt completely different.  It didn't burn.  It didn't make me want to cry.  It didn't make me want to beat my head against a wall. 

This morning, I printed out that post as well as another one from a pediatric dentist.  I kept my appointment with the lactation consultant who agreed that Isaac does have it, and while it isn't extremely pronounced, it could be enough to cause the pain.  She told me I had done a great job of getting him to have a deeper latch and could tell that everything was properly shaped - me and Isaac's mouth.  However, she still thinks that I probably have a bacterial infection as well because she thinks I am abnormally pink/red.  I have a few cracks that are not completely healed and some bacteria could have gotten in there and exascerbated the latching problem.  She recommends that I still go to a doctor - obviously not the OB since I can't seem to get past their bouncer triage nurse - but a general or family practitioner who will listen to me and take the time to figure it out.  I also may call a pediatric dentist to get his opinion since that seems to be who does the clipping.  **Shudder again**  Even if the latch does get corrected, if the piece of tissue interferes too much, it could cause a gap between the two front teeth (which may eventually need braces) and/or an increased risk of tooth decay on the upper teeth.

*SIGH OF RELIEF* 

Yes, there's a problem.  But it can be solved.  I don't have to quit nursing.  I feel like I passed the point of no return with regards to quitting anyway.  At this point, after pursuing every possible route, it would be a big letdown to just walk away from nursing.  I am committed to making it work now.  I feel validated, like I'm not crazy after all...and I was starting to feel crazy when nothing was working.  And hey, it's definitely an interesting problem to have, right! 



We Are Never Ever Ever Getting a Dog

In the progression towards becoming parents, many people get a dog, the theory being that caring for an animal will prepare you for parenthood. 

And if you don't get a dog pre-kids, as soon as you have kids, lots of people like to assume that now you will be getting a pet *for the kids*. 

We will not be doing this for a myriad of reasons.

First of all, I hate dogs.  I apologize to all of you dog lovers, but it's the truth.  Actually, I pretty much don't like any animals.  But dogs in particular, I just really don't like.  I think they smell  - yes, even if you just gave them a bath - and I am really not a fan of being licked and sniffed. 

Dave says we would never get a dog unless we lived in the country, with a ton of acreage and could let the dog roam free.  I'm not sure I could even tolerate that low level of interaction with a dog. 

The other reason I could never be convinced to get a dog is that my children are now thoroughly traumatized by them. 

Last year on Father's Day, we tried to have a nice hike and picnic at the State Arboretum.  While we were eating lunch at the picnic shelter, an ownerless Jack Russell terrier stalked our table until getting up the guts to run up to Noah, jump up on him from underneath the table and steal his sandwich right out of his hands.  Hysterics and terror ensued.  I have never felt the boys cling so tightly to me.  The dog never left us alone despite many attempts by the two dads to chase him away.  We finally had to leave with our lunch uneaten because Ethan was so terrified.  Following that experience, both boys have generally refused to interact with any dog.  Just recently, they have started being ok with teeny-tiny dogs like the neighbor's Yorkshire terrier and even then, it takes them a bit of time to cautiously approach them. 

And then yesterday, all that was ruined again, thanks to another dog owner not properly controlling their dog.  Ethan, Noah and I were on the porch, me typing a blog post while the boys stood around me sharing a bowl of animal crackers.  Noah had just woken up from his nap and we were all just kind of quietly enjoying the sunshine.  AND THEN.  And then a large golden retriever came barrelling across the next door neighbor's lawn, across our driveway and ran straight onto the porch.  The dog knocked into both boys, knocked over their bowl of animal crackers and pushed past all of us into the far corner of the porch.  He/she came back towards us trying to sniff us.  And the boys started screaming bloody murder.  Screaming.  And crying.  And frantically trying to scramble onto a chair and grasp for me at the same time.  I grabbed Noah who clung to me for dear life while alternately screaming and crying.  The dog ran past us again, off the porch and around the side of the house.  I was sort of trapped between the porch chairs and the railing, but I finally got to where I could also pick up Ethan.  And now, after all that screaming, the owner of the dog - someone visiting the neighbor two doors down - came walking...WALKING...down the sidewalk calling the dog's name.  With Ethan in one arm and Noah in the other, I used my elbow to open the front door and get them to safety.  When inside, I tried to cheerfully reassure them that the dog was just really excited to be friends with them.  Based on the skeptical looks the boys gave me, I'm not sure I convinced them.  Neither one would venture outside until I had assured them that the dog was gone.  And even then, they each took cautious steps onto the porch, looking both ways to make sure it was gone. 

And you know...the owner never acknowledged that the boys had been terrified.  She never came over and apologized.  Nothing.  I feel like if I had been the owner and heard that kind of terror from small children, I would have come over and expressed how sorry I was to have allowed my dog to cause that.  But no.  They stood on the porch steps talking to the neighbor and then got in their truck and left. 

In any case, we will never be getting a dog.  And now we are back to square one attempting to convince them that every dog who passes in front of our house on a walk with their owner is not going to attack them.  So, in a way, I suppose I should thank all these people whose dogs have scared my kids because now they will most likely never beg us for one. 

Maybe we'll get a fish.  I think I could handle a fish.  But nothing else. Nothing.

My Breastfeeding Soap Opera

Who knew that pain while nursing could cause so much drama?  What a ridiculous drama this has turned out to be.  I promise that I will be as discreet as possible while talking about this. 

Anyway...the problem started in the hospital.  I am pretty sure I let Isaac latch on incorrectly a few times, probably because I was just really tired and in pain and didn't feel like fussing with him.  I paid dearly for that.  We went through the normal toe-curling pain nursing stage for a few weeks and the side he latched onto incorrectly was always somewhat uncomfortable but not unbearably painful.  I just thought if I was vigilant about making sure he latched correctly, it would go away.  He didn't always latch on incorrectly either so it wasn't a consistent problem that needed immediate attention.

Somewhere in there, Isaac got an ear infection that refused to go away.  He was on amoxicillin for 10 days and then the pediatrician had to prescribe the big guns - augmentin.  Somewhere in there the pain increased to the point where I was crying.  At that point I called the lactation consultant (LC) and went in for an appointment.  She determined that because I had had an oversupply problem and hyperactive letdown, Isaac had adapted to that by compressing and pulling back when he latched on which made the latch too shallow.  She gave me some techniques for fixing it and I worked on those for a while.  I am pretty sure I have fixed that based on what I can see on him and me.  It was still sort of hurting to nurse but it wasn't bad and I assumed that it was just still irritation from the bad latch and it would fade.  Well, the pain got worse and I started wondering if I had gotten thrush during the time Isaac was on antibiotics.  The LC had also noticed some redness and wondered if I had some yeast; she recommended that I call my OB and ask for Nystatin cream.  When the pain got really bad again, I tried an over the counter anti-fungal and when that was ineffective, called the OB, got some Nystatin, and then got some oral Nystatin for Isaac from my pediatrician even though Isaac has no visible signs of thrush.  We tried that for about a week and nothing changed. 

Next remedy:  break out the big guns of gentian violet, otherwise known as "the purple stuff".  Everyone who used it swore it was the only thing that worked and that it would knock it out in a few days.  Nothing changed.  The pain was still making me want to beat my head against the wall when he latched on and nursed on the one side.  It feels like he has razor blades in his mouth.  The fact that the GV was ineffective has made me and the LC question whether this really is yeast.  It's sort of stumping her because the way I'm describing it sounds a lot like yeast, but since nothing is effective, she's not sure it is. 

In the meantime, I was also using natural remedies.  I rinsed with raw apple cider vinegar.  I took a hard core probiotic.  I gave Isaac acidophilus powder.  I started taking a "Yeast Defense" herbal supplement.  I used a paste of acidophilus (which created more irritation when it stuck to all fabric and nursing pads that I then had to peel off of me).  Per the recommendations of the breastfeeding guru (Dr. Jack Newman...found this online), I'm taking grapefruit seed extract and now I'm rinsing with grapefruit seed extract; this extract is known to have strong anti-fungal properties.  I'm also taking olive leaf extract which is a strong anti-fungal and anti-bacterial, known to resist even staph.  I'm using a ph-balancing drink recommended by a friend who had success with it in the past.  I'm also still being extremely vigilant to make sure his latch is correct and again, I see nothing wrong. 

Then the drama began.  I called the LC who was out of ideas and recommended I call the OB.  When you call my OB office, you have to leave a message with a triage nurse and wait for them to call you back with the doctor's decision.  The nurse told me to go bra-less and only nurse from one side.  Right.  She told me the doctor was out of ideas and that I should go back to the LC.  And this was after I told him she told me to call HIM!  So I called her AGAIN, and she turned into the Warrior Lactation Consultant who was going to FIX THIS PROBLEM.  She personally went hunting down the OB in the hospital and when she couldn't find him, she called the OB office and told them they either needed to 1) see me to figure out what the problem was (because it isn't definite that I have thrush...could be a bacterial infection which would need antibiotics) or 2) try a prescription for Diflucan, which she wanted prescribed in a certain way (heavy loading dose and then a lower dose for 2 weeks).  They never called me to tell me what the doctor's decision was.  This morning, I called the OB and was told that they didn't know anything about the LC calling and that I had to call her and have her call them back AGAIN.  I did.  The LC called again and offered the same recommendations for me.  Guess what happened?  They completely ignored the LC's recommendations and prescribed ANOTHER cream with two active ingredients that I have already tried.  Well.  Thanks very much.  Ignore the expert on breastfeeding.  That's so helpful. 

I'm done.  Done with this doctor, that is.  I think I'm going to stick it out through the weekend, go back to the LC to make sure he isn't still latching incorrectly and I'm just not seeing it, which is entirely possible.  Then I'm going to find a general practitioner who will actually listen to me...you know, like sit down...make eye contact...evaluate the situation...and work with me instead of throwing out another random prescription.  Why is it so hard to find a doctor like that?  And why does the OBGYN know so little about a major women's health issue like breastfeeding?  Isn't that his area of expertise??? 

If the pain doesn't get better, I'm not sure I can keep nursing through this.  At this point, I'm not abhoring the actual experience of nursing so much as the pain of nursing.  I really really want to make it to at least six months.  If I get to six months and it's going well, I plan on continuing.  But I am talking myself into breastfeeding every....single...day.  I know it isn't the end of the world to give him formula.  Ethan was weaned at 7 1/2 months and Noah was weaned at 9 weeks so I have nothing against it.  I just really want to give Isaac the healthiest thing for as long as possible.  PLUS...it makes the baby weight go away a lot faster.  And I get extra calories (i.e. chocolate).  I would like to lose enough weight to leave a little wiggle room for the normal fluctuation that we all experience.

So...we're waiting through the weekend...continuing all natural treatments.  I suppose I have to try the lotion the OB prescribed so that I can tell them it didn't work (and I know it won't).  And in the meantime, I'm going to try to hold off the bitterness...towards most of the medical establishment.  What a saga...

1/3 of a Year Old

Today we celebrate the fact that Isaac has been a part of the Spence family for a whole third of a year.  Four months old.  He's FOUR MONTHS OLD.  Man, time drags in the moment but it seems like it went fast when I look back. 

Four month stats:

Weight: 13lbs 8oz (25th percentile)

Length: 25 inches (50th percentile)

Did you catch that?  FIFTIETH percentile.  Our kid is actually of average height.  Amazing.  Maybe Dave will get his wish for a tall son after all.  And by tall, we mean: taller than Dave.

Developmental milestones include:

- loud cooing

- laughing

- rolling over both ways

- grabbing and toys and putting them in his mouth

- enjoying the hanging jumper equipment thing

- taking four naps

- nursing five times a day, about every three hours-ish

- going to bed at 8:30 and waking up at 7pm

- smiling pretty much non-stop all day long at every person he sees

- being so happy and content that I often forget he's even here.

This little boy is extremely tolerant.  Nothing his brothers do to him seems to faze him.  In fact, he's pretty happy around them.

One thing Dave and I have noticed is how much Isaac looks like Ethan.  I think it's going to be pretty difficult to differentiate between their baby pictures.

Ethan (4 yrs) and Isaac (4 months)





Ethan around four months old

I suppose we can find some similarities to Noah...the chubby cheeks, maybe?

Noah at 3-4 months old



Life with three boys is...rough...but getting better.  I've figured out why I was having such a hard time adapting and found some solutions to those problems.  We're kind of in a general, predictable routine right now which is helpful.  The only thing I'm still dealing with baby-wise is thrush.  Such a saga.  I'll save that story for another post.  Stay tuned. 

Introduction to Biblical Counseling

Well, I'm accomplishing one goal on my 2012 Goal List!  Dave and I started attending the Introduction to Biblical Counseling class at our church last week and I am SO excited about it. 

I mentioned in my last post that one of the areas where I feel God is leading me is towards counseling.  Someone asked me recently why I want to pursue this and I had to think about it.  I had to think for a while.  But when it comes down to it, I actually do have a lot of reasons:

1) It's just an unexplainable sense that this is what I'm supposed to do.  I've felt this a few other times in my life, one of which being when I felt God calling me to a short term summer missions trip with Teen Missions International.  I was scared out of my mind, but it was just so clear to me.  I ended up spending the summer of 1995 (9 weeks) in Russia and the Ukraine.  It is one of the defining experiences of my life.  Generally, when I'm *supposed* to do something, I'm terrified.  And I'm terrified about this. 

Why am I terrified?  I'm worried I'll give people the wrong counsel.  I'm worried I won't be able to accurately discern the true problem.  I'm worried I won't be able to offer Scripture or Biblical principles but instead offer my own personal opinion.  And I'm pretty opinionated.  I'm worried I won't be merciful or compassionate enough, that I'll just be annoyed at people's stubbornness or problems.  I have a hard enough time being merciful to my own husband when he has a cold. 

I was convicted about this yesterday during the class when the teacher discussed how counseling others also changes the counselor.  I know that God is sovereign and that every situation in life - good or bad - can make us more Christlike if we choose to participate in the refining process.  Maybe He's calling me to this because this experience is what He will use to make me more merciful and compassionate. 

2) My mother in law - who is a Biblical counselor at our church (along with my father in law) - has seen something in me that convinces her that I could be (will be?) good at this.  She has encouraged me to pursue it and I respect her perspective enough to go this direction unless it becomes clear that this is not what I'm supposed to do. 

3) Dave and I have needed counsel (not professional counseling, just counsel) since the beginning of our marriage.  I have always thought that our struggles and growth through them will enable us to help others who are also struggling.  Having had some hard years in our marriage, I feel like I could offer hope to others who are also struggling.  I know the hard work involved in change.  I know that Dave and I needed godly men and women offering Biblical solutions in order to change our marriage.  I know that God is the only one who can change circumstances, behavior and attitudes and that He uses others to help achieve this in us. 

4) As small group leaders (next year), I believe that we are the first place that people could go for help with their struggles.  The family life pastor can only handle counseling so many people; it has to be delegated elsewhere.  Currently, there are not enough trained counselors within the church to handle the load of struggling people.  Even if Dave and I never end up in a formal counseling situation, all of us are going to find ourselves in situations where we are offering counsel to others, most likely friends.  I want to make sure I am offering Biblical counsel in any of those situations.

Anyway...I haven't been this excited about a class since my French classes in college.  And we have homework...that I am also excited about. I feel kind of ridiculously excited to be carrying around my counseling binder, sort of like elementary kids feel when they get their first new backpack and new school clothes and school supplies.  I feel very important saying to myself, "I need to do my homework now." 

So speaking of homework...because I have this blog, I get to be the overachieving student.  One of the assignments for this week was to find someone with whom to share the seven components of nouthetic (biblical) counseling.  Instead of telling just one person, I'll tell however many of you there are reading this blog.  Maybe I'll get extra credit for each one of you who comments on this post. 

Here are those seven components that we learned about this week:
1) Gaining passport - where the counselor gains access to the counselee's life and thoughts.  This is where the counselee decides whether you care, whether you can help and whether or not they can trust the counselor.
2) Gathering data - the counselor listens to the counselee's story, to their thoughts, feelings, actions, etc.
3) Discerning the problem - figuring out what the counselee thinks the problem is, what the counselor thinks the problem is, and what God/the Bible has to say about identifying the problem
4) Establishing involvement - letting the counselee know that you are committed to helping them solve the problem
5) Giving hope - communicating to the counselee that no matter what their problem is, it is not hopeless and that within Scripture there are ways to approach the problem, manage it or solve it.
6) Giving proper instruction - teaching, encouraging, warning the counselee throughout counseling sessions
7) Assigning homework

Ok, now I have to go finish my homework.  Maybe I should dig out my highlighters that I haven't used since college so I can highlight the important points in the articles I'm supposed to read.  Ooh, that sounds like SO MUCH FUN!!

We Should Be Stretched

Just this morning, I sat down to check on the blogs I read regularly and read some interesting stuff.  First, this one about how the author feels extroverted women are marginalized and suppressed within the church.  Then, this one backing up the perspective.  This perspective seems to be a reaction to a book recently published by Adam McHugh, entitled Introverts In the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture.  There's a post by the author here on the subject.  So basically both extroverts and introverts feel like they are unappreciated, criticized and underused.  Huh.  I don't get it. 

I have to admit that I was kind of surprised by extroverted women feeling like they had no place in church and having the impression that only meek, mild, quiet women are valued.  I was surprised because many of the women that I know, whether as friends or older women that I respect, are extroverts.  And they are highly valued and highly involved. 

I, on the other hand, am an introvert.  That means that conversation makes me mentally and physically tired, large groups overwhelm me and I need time alone to recharge.  I'm not entirely surprised that many introverts feel like there isn't a place in the church for them, but here's the thing.  I think that most of the time it is our own fault if we can't find a place to serve within church. 

Why?

Well, I think we have a tendency to say, "Well, that's just my personality.  I can't change.  I can't teach a Bible study.  I can't stand up there and give a lecture.  I can't stand up on that stage and sing.  I don't want to be one on one; I want to be in a large group with everyone looking at me.  There's just no place for me here!!!!"  What we really mean is this: I am uncomfortable with many of the available options.  Or...I don't LIKE many of the available options.  Being uncomfortable is very different from being unable or uninterested.  And it is possible for God to actually change certain aspects of your personality to enable you to serve in areas where you never thought you could. 

I'm not trying to condemn anyone.  I can say this because I've done it and I still struggle with it.  In our early married years, it was extremely difficult for this introverted woman and my extroverted husband to mesh.  He would take me to social functions with lots of people and then leave me sitting alone at a table while he flitted around the room like a social butterfly.  I barely spoke to anyone, even if they were sitting at the table with me.  I had no idea what to say; I hate small talk.  But I have changed.  I'm still introverted, but I can hold my own in a conversation with a stranger.  I've watched my husband and learned some social skills from him.  It is still hard and uncomfortable, but I can do it. 

Sometimes God calls us to do things that are uncomfortable for us.  I've heard many stories of women who swore they could NEVER stand up in front of a group of women and teach them from Scripture.  But God called them to it.  Consequently, he gave them the skills to be able to do what He had called them to do.  Very likely, that uncomfortable experience was the very thing necessary to chip off aspects of their personalities that needed to change to be more Christlike. 

Right now I'm facing doing some hard things that I believe God has called me to.   First of all, a friend and I have started a small group women's Bible study.  I am terrified that any and all discussions will be completely silent and this terrible small-talker will have no idea how to jump start it.  I will have to pray in front of people (and I haven't prayed outloud in YEARS).  I'm also feeling called to Biblical counseling at some point.  I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it.  I have lots of opinions and I'm happy to hand out advice, but what if I don't give people the correct Biblical advice.  What if I can't find the Scripture they need?  What if their problems drag me down into a depressing pit? 

So yes, it's hard.  But sometimes you just have to do hard things.  We cannot blame our inability to fit in on our personalities all the time.  You can't just expect an opportunity to appear that perfectly matches you.  Maybe an extrovert is being called to be quiet sometimes. Maybe they need to learn how to be content being alone or one on one.  Many extroverts have lots of casual friendships but very few deep friendships.  Maybe they need to cultivate deeper relationships with a smaller amount of people.  Maybe an introvert is being called to talk more.  Maybe they need to learn how to be more comfortable in a group setting.  Many introverts have only a few close friends.  Maybe they need to learn to open themselves up to more people, be more hospitable, and allow themselves more ministry opportunities. 

Don't get me wrong.  No one should do something they aren't called to do.  But don't limit God by assuming He will only call you to things you are comfortable with.  We should be stretched by life experiences sometimes.  That stretching allows us to become more dependent on Christ for the skills needed for that experience.  It will shape our characters and mature us into the person God wants us to be. 

Don't we all want that? 

No Ordinary Blog Hop

Put 'Em To Work!

So, one of the reasons we all have kids is so that they can help out with the housework, right? 

Just kidding, but seriously, it occurred to me last week that, hey, my kids are old enough to have chores.  Not huge chores, but they are definitely of an age where they can comprehend having some responsibility.  This weekend I brainstormed about which chores I can reasonably expect both of the older boys to have.  Here's what I came up with:

Ethan (age 4):
- Get dressed (I tend to get impatient with how long it takes him and just dress him myself)
- Brush teeth
- Put dirty clothes in laundry
- Make bed
- Empty silverware from dishwasher
- Dustbuster under the bar area after lunch
- Clean up toys

Noah (age 3):
- Put dirty clothes in laundry
- Make bed
- Put recycling in the bin in the garage
- Dustbuster under the bar area after dinner
- Clean up toys

That's not too much, right?  At the moment, they think they are doing something fun.  They love to use the dustbuster and Noah acts very important when I have him a plastic bottle to put in the recycling bin. 

Last night we had a firepit night in the backyard, and Dave was drinking a bottle of soda.  Dave put it down in a cupholder when he was finished.  Noah noticed it, picked it up, and headed straight for the house to put it in the bin.  Responsible little kid.  I was kind of impressed that he took the initiative there. 

I was also inspired to create my own chore charts.  Of course I was.  Because I'm a dork like that.  I couldn't find a premade one online that had pictures of the chores I had decided on so I ended up printing out a sheet of clip art that I am going to use to generate a custom chore chart.  Then, the boys can do the sticker thing, putting a sticker under each category every day that they do that job.  The only thing I am not sure about is whether they should earn anything at the end of the week for the jobs (Nickels? Dimes? Skittles? Nothing?).  I think maybe they are too young and I want them to understand that chores are just part of being a family.  Maybe putting a sticker on the chart will be enough motivation? 

And what about Isaac?  I think we'll just assign him the job of being cute.



Shouldn't be too hard.

Thoughts?  How old were your kids when they started having chores?  And how did you motivate them?

Grandmother Activities

Our boys are very fortunate to have grandmothers (and grandfathers, of course) who adore them.  Ethan and Noah are finally getting to an age where they can actually "do things" and not just be completely bewildered by fun activities.  One thing I'm very much enjoying is that both grandmothers seem to be finding their own special niches with the boys. 

My mother in law has taken up the role of "Let's Go Outside For a Long Walk (With Bikes)". 

Rosemary calls to ask if the boys can go for a walk, I get them all bundled up and they sit on their bikes by the front door waiting in breathless anticipation.  Rosemary pulls up, and as soon as she opens the front door, they go racing past her.  Very excited.

My mom has taken up the role of "Project Maker".  When Isaac was born, she stayed with us for a week; as a fun thing to do with them, she brought along a few crafts (known as "projects" in our house) -  turkeys using cut out of the boys hands and feet, a nativity set, and turkey magnets made out of cereal boxes.  The next time she came, they made bugs from a craft kid.  And this past weekend, the boys made a rainbow/shamrock mobile and marionette leprechauns.  To go along with the rainbow theme, they got to eat Rainbow Jello, which was extremely exciting.  I've never seen them eat their dinner so quickly!

I'm so glad that the boys don't prefer one grandmother over the other; that would make getting together with either of them slightly awkward.  There's no competition between grandmothers for who is the coolest, just much love and adoration.  I'm very thankful!

Ding, Dong, Ding, Dong

I don't know if everyone's family is like this, but my family has a few very long-running jokes.  Most of these jokes involve hiding a hideous object in another family member's house and waiting for them to find it.  Growing up, it was common for my parents to find dried grape branches in their bed when we visited my grandparents.  It was common for my grandparents to find dried grape branches in their bed when they visited us.  The same dried grape branches.  Every time.  Similarly, my grandmother has (had?) a Christmas decoration that all her kids found hilariously tacky; a "candle" made out of a rolled up washcloth glued to a bar of soap and wrapped up in tuile.  This candle would magically appear in someone's bathroom every so often. 

The fun of it is that you never know when one of these objects will turn up.  The best strategy is to wait until the person has forgotten about its existence and then sneak it in.  As adult children, we have our own tacky objects that get passed back and forth.  There is a horribly enormous and hideous Christmas ball that my mom gave me as a joke.  When we left their house that Christmas, it was hidden on their Christmas tree.  I believe my sister has had it.  And this year, after I had completely forgotten about it, I noticed it lurking underneath my Christmas tree.  Family, beware.  It will come back to you. 

This weekend, the worst joke object reappeared.  My mom was here visiting while my husband was skiing with friends and family, and after I got home from church, I opened my pantry door to see this:

What is that?  That, my friends, has not been seen since shortly after my wedding.  After Dave and I got engaged (9 years ago), I had two requests regarding my bridal shower: 1) no games and 2) no tacky wedding bell decorations.  My mom and mother in law conspired to include both of these things into one activity despite my objections.  During my shower, they had me play a version of the Newlywed Game where I had to answer questions about Dave.  For every question that I got wrong, they hung one of these paper bells on a string above my head.  This enormous one was the Grand Prize for the final question that I lost. 

Take another good look at its hideousness.

 The first time we visited my parents after we were married, we left this in their bathroom closet and I have not seen it since. 

Thanks, Mom.  You got me good.

The Tebow Bill

So, I've been kinda lacking in blog topics lately (well, at least lacking in topics that don't involve breasts or bottles).  I was talking about the "Tebow Bill" with some of my homeschooling friends and one of them said, "You should write about that."  Well, I do have an opinion about it, so here goes...

First of all, for you non-Virginia people, the "Tebow Bill" - named after Tim Tebow who during his years as a homeschooled high schooler played on a public school team - was a bill that would have allowed homeschooled students the opportunity to play sports on public school teams.  The reasoning is that since all of us, regardless of school choice, pay taxes to support the school system, we should all have the opportunity to play on the public school teams.  There has been much opposition to this from the athletic leagues, who believe the following:

1) Anyone who chooses to homeschool should experience the consequences of this choice, one of which is that they do not have the same opportunities that they could have had they chosen to enroll in public school.  Most homeschoolers are pro-school choice and would be thrilled to have their tax money pay for educating their own children in whatever way they see best.  However, currently, they are required to pay school taxes no matter where the kid goes to school.  If I wanted my teenager to participate in sports, I would have to compromise my educational values and goals to allow them that opportunity by enrolling them in public school. 

2) Homeschoolers cannot meet the academic requirements that public school students must meet.  Opponents object to the fact that parents are the ones giving grades to their children. Apparently, people think that parents randomly hand out A grades just because they like their kids and want them to look good.  First of all, that would be dishonest.  Secondly, handing out random grades to their own children only hurts those kids in the future when they attempt to enroll in college and cannot complete the work.  Parents know this.  Thirdly, someone in Virginia correct me if I'm wrong, but there is more than one way that high school homeschoolers receive grades; some attach themselves to a correspondance school which gives out grades and yes, some parents grade their own child's work.  However, for the most part, those parents are using an actual curriculum that has prepared tests and test answer keys.  Most of them will even give you guidelines for what you are looking for within an essay test, which tends to be more subjective.  Many parents have enrolled their child in classes outside the home with the homeschool support groups or a cottage school.  Most homeschool parents realize that they do not have all the skills needed to teach their child and when they recognize this, they find someone who does have those skills.  For example, I had an English tutor for most of high school.  I took a Calculus class at the local university.  My sister took science classes at a community college.  Any of those programs have someone other than the parents giving grades. 

I do think that part of the problem here is that Virginia has very lenient requirements for homeschoolers.  I know that Virginia homeschoolers love that; they enjoy the freedom to educate their child as they choose.  However, I was homeschooled in Pennsylvania, which has some of the strictest requirements for homeschooling, and while many parents may not like the government's involvement, I think it has its benefits.  In Pennsylvania, parents must file an affadavit with the school district stating their intent to homeschool.  They must also give the school a list of educational objectives for each child for each grade.  Parents must keep a portfolio with samples of each child's work throughout the year which is then turned into the local school superintendent who examines it to verify that the child is receiving an adequate education.  Homeschoolers must also be evaluated by a certified teacher or a psychologist and a report is filed along with the portfolio.  Furthermore, if your child is homeschooling high school, there is a group called Pennsylvania Homeschoolers (and others now, I believe, but this was the first) who worked with the State Department of Education to create a high school degree program that would be recognized as equal to a public school education.  These students have their transcripts kept by the group and may only be evaluated by someone certified by PA Homeschoolers.  My homeschool degree came from here and is considered equal to a public school diploma. 

Again, many homeschoolers object to the government's involvement, but I have to say that in observing the attitude towards Pennsylvanian homeschoolers versus Virginian homeschoolers, there is a higher degree of respect for the educational choice when the requirements are stricter and accountability exists.  Currently, many people think that homeschoolers sit around in their pajamas all day never learning anything.  From what I understand from teaching in West Virginia, if a student had been homeschooled for a year in high school, the school system refused to recognize that year and would require the student to repeat that year if they re-enrolled in public school.   Why is this?  Because no one knows what they are doing!!  They could be dancing around in fields and watching TV and playing computer games all day long for all they know!!  This isn't true of most homeschoolers (sure, there are the weird lazy ones...we all know one), but how do they know that? If a group like Pennsylvania Homeschoolers existed in Virginia with equally strict requirements for graduating from high school, the objection that homeschoolers cannot meet the academic requirements to be involved in public school sports might be eliminated. 

3) Homeschoolers on public school teams would put the public school students at a disadvantage.  Why would they be at a disadvantage?  Opponents of the bill say that homeschoolers have more time to hire personal trainers and spend hours practicing, thereby making them better than the public school students.  I present you with the most maddeningly offensive quote of the debate: "I guess what you'd have is sort of like a bunch of adolescent free agents," Tata said with a laugh. "But how would you control it? I mean, you could have some 6 (foot) 4 (inch) gorilla at home who can't read or write but can run a 4.4-second 40-yard dash." [emphasis added]  I love when someone outs themself as completely ignorant about homeschoolers. 

First of all, homeschool students generally score higher on standardized tests than most public school students.  I'm not saying homeschoolers are smarter than public schoolers, but that their test scores tend to be higher.  Universities and colleges sometimes actively recruit homeschoolers knowing that they will most likely be good students and benefit their campus.  Also, um...I hate to point this out, but there are some public school students who are scraping the bottom of the barrel grade-wise, who can barely read or write, but who still participate in school sports.  The requirements aren't all that high.  What is it, a C???  Don't most parents push their kids to do better than that???  Sometimes you just have to NOT FAIL in order to be allowed to play, so theoretically, you could have a 60% average (which most parents would not be pleased with) but still be allowed to play on the football team. 

Secondly, most homeschoolers choose to homeschool because of academics!!  Not because of sports opportunities!!!  Sports opportunities would be the icing on the cake. but the focus is on learning and on learning well.  Athletic officials seem to believe that given the opportunity to try out for public school sports, homeschoolers are going to spend hours a day with a personal trainer, running sprints or hitting up the gym.  Ha!!  Homeschooling isn't cheap, people!  Who has extra money to hire a personal trainer?  From my own personal experience as a homeschool graduate, as well as from observing other homeschoolers, a homeschool parent is WAY more likely to hire a tutor for math or science or a foreign language than to hire a personal trainer.  My brothers were part of the public school track team in Pennsylvania (which leaves the choice of whether to allow homeschoolers to try out up to the individual school district) and they did nothing extra.  They followed the coach's requirements and that was it.  No amazing personal trainer.  No extra runs to make them faster.  Nothing.  (I should say that my brother was a state champion in cross country track the year he went back to public school.) And who has the time for all that extra physical training?  Homeschooling high school CAN take a lot of the day.  Sometimes with algebra, chemistry, French, American history, literature, vocabulary, reading comprehension, writing assignments, and Bible, I wouldn't be done until 2:30pm after starting around 8am because all that high school work is hard.  Sure, maybe some days I was done at lunchtime, but most of the time?  No. 

And finally, may I just point out that if a homeschooler was allowed to try out for a public school team, they would actually have to be good to make the team?  It isn't as if a homeschooler is going to automatically make the team if he/she isn't any good at the sport and if they don't show promise.  There really aren't that many Tim Tebows in the world. 

So what is the harm in allowing homeschoolers to at least try out for the team?  Thoughts, anyone?   For or against.  And if you add a comment, please be considerate.  There are homeschoolers, former homeschoolers, public schoolers, private-schoolers, unschoolers, teachers, etc all reading this.  Okay...GO.