Attitudes of the Heart

The non-fiction book I currently have started is Paul David Tripp's Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change.  Although the book is discussing the need for personal ministry between believers as well as what the basic for a Christian counseling program should be, I've been challenged in my thinking in other areas.  One thing that I've been thinking about is how selfish I really am when it comes to parenting. 

Tripp discusses how each of our callings as believers is to represent God here on earth and effectively function as His ambassadors in every area of our lives - marriage, parenting, friendships, work, church, etc.  Although we are called to be ambassadors, most of us want to be more of "mini-kings" and rule over our own lives.  When our interests are in opposition to God's interests, we often experience conflict and anger and all sorts of sinful attitudes.  This really made me think:

Imagine what a marriage becomes when two mini-kings are required to share time and space.  Underneath the vows, both persons are driven by their own cravings and expectations.  What they really want is for the other to make them happy, and as long as he or she does so, they remain committed to their marriage.  Now imagine how these mini-kings approach parenting.  What they really long for is pre-sanctified, self-parenting children.  They find the daily service and sacrifice of godly parenting to be a huge imposition.  This is why Christ said that to be his disciples we must die to ourselves. (p.104-105)

I read that and had to stop and think, "Do I think like that?".  And I do!  Although I chose to give up my teaching career in order to make raising my children and keeping my home my new profession, I act like it's incredibly inconvenient to do so!  This is my calling.  This is my area of service.  I get so irritated at my kids when they interrupt my plan for the day or disrupt my peace.  I act like it's their fault if I end up in a bad mood that day.  Tripp continues:

Why are we so good at turning moments of ministry into moments of anger?  Why are we so adept at personalizing what is not personal?  Why does it seem that people, things, and situations are in our way?  Why do we seldom go through a day without some experience of conflict?  The answer to all of these questions is that we think of our lives as our own, and we are more committed to the purposes of our own kingdom than we are to God's.  We need to recognize that the people in our way have been sent to us by a wise and sovereign King.  He never gets a wrong address and always chooses just the right moment to expose our hears and realign them to his. (p.106-107)

He makes a good point that it's not the people (in my case, kids) in my life that cause me to be irritated.  It's not my circumstances.  The problem is my own heart.  He writes: "We speak and act the way we do because of what is in our hearts...[God] calls us to humbly admit that relationships and circumstances are only the occasions in which our hearts reveal themselves" (p.62). 

After reading that, it's made me so much more introspective about my moments of frustration.  I've caught myself with a scowl on my face when I correct one of the boys hitting the other one.  Why am I irritated?  Because I'm sick of saying the same thing for the 50th time.   I've heard myself snapping at them when I have to get up from eating lunch for the thousandth time.  Why am I irritated?  Because I just want a moment of peace.  I've heard myself raising my voice when I walk into a room and there's Kix scattered everywhere because they decided to play baseball with the cereal pieces.  Why am I irritated?  Because I want my house to be clean.  Because it's a pain in the neck to get down on the floor and clean it up. I'm realizing that the reason I get so bothered by my kids and their behavior is because I'm wrapped up in myself and my own agenda.  I'm seeing my heart as so much more selfish than I want it to be.  I could have the best behaving children and the problem would still be there.  I could get more "breaks" from my kids and the problem would still be there.  I'm just seeing that God is pointing out my selfishness lately.  I guess I should cooperate with the lesson, huh? 

My TV Confessions

It may be tempting to put your infant or toddler in front of the television, especially to watch shows created just for children under age two. But the American Academy of Pediatrics says: Don't do it! (quote found here)

Yeah.  Ok.  Whatever...that's what I have to say about that.  I have to admit that when Dave started talking about cancelling our cable, I panicked because oh no!  What would I do with the kids when I absolutely had to get something done???  Ok, ok, so the panic *may* have been related to how I felt about not being able to watch The Real Housewives of the OC/Atlanta/New Jersey/New York/Beverly Hills.  Just a little.  A teeny tiny little bit. 

So here's my confession...yes, I come up with cute activites sometimes like the animal hospital or the play grocery store. Yes, sometimes I pull out the crayons or playdough.  Most of the time, the boys are playing with their wooden train set, the Matchbox cars, the blocks or their bikes (inside the house).  However, they generally watch TV twice a day.  In the morning, I put on Sesame Street so I can exercise or clean.  In the afternoon, after naptime/resttime, they get to pick a short movie.  Right now we're into a free Geotrax DVD I got in the mail about a year ago.  Ethan calls it "All Aboard Team Geotrax".  Noah's sick of it so I generally have to either convince him he does want to watch it, or talk Ethan out of watching it for the thousandth time.  Noah is currently enamoured by the Leapfrog ABCs DVD, which he calls, "A says AAH".

I'm also one of "those people" who let their 3 month old watch the Baby Einstein DVDs.  I realize that it's been all over the Mommy News that Baby Einstein DVDs will not make your child smarter, but hey!  My oldest son watched them all the time and knew all his ABCs, #1-10, shapes and colors by the age of 22 months, so who knows. 

In other TV-related issues, I would like to officially apologize to my mother for watching the same movies over and over and over again.  It IS seriously annoying.  I never realized how incredibly boring Bambi is.  Forget pop culture.  I know the names of all the cars in Disney's Cars.  I know the names of the trains on the Island of Sodor. I can sing the Leapfrog song and the theme song from Caillou.  I know that Martha Speaks is about a dog and that Arthur's sister's name is DJ.  I know that the tomato is named Bob and the cucumber is named Larry.  I know that Bob the Builder works with Wendy, Scoop, Muck and Dizzy.  I know that Elmo is really annoying.  What's even better?  Ethan knows all that too. (Well, maybe all except that Elmo is really annoying...unfortunately.)

I don't think I win any amazing homeschooler awards here.  Good thing it's not a competition!

And in case you were wondering...we still have cable.  

2011 Book Goal Check-Up

Back in January, I wrote about my goals for 2011 and included a reading list.  I should have known I was too ambitious...or rather under-ambitious?  I can NEVER stick to a structured book list.  I just get too interested in random stuff.  When I was in high school, I would get really interested in a particular subject, go to the library and come home with a stack of books on the subject.  I would page through some of them, read some of them and then abruptly lose interest.  I remember piles of books on law (during the OJ Simpson trial I was CONVINCED I wanted to be a lawyer), Queen Elizabeth II (my namesake, hello!), the Revolutionary War, the French Revolution (foreshadowing of my future career?), fashion through history, and sooo many more. 

In any case, out of the 12 books I made it my goal to read, I have only read three.  However, in the past 3 months, I have actually read 14 total books.  I survived Created to Be His Helpmeet and trudged through The Unhealthy Truth.  The only classic I've been motivated to read is The Great Gatsby.  I'm just not ready to spend a month (or more) reading Charles Dickens.  You just have to be *prepared* for Dickens. 

I've had a bad book month.  I spent about a month starting and stopping various books. I started John Steinbeck's East of Eden but surrendered after a mere 3 chapters.  Should I have persisted?  I feel like I should like it just because it's a classic.  Bernard Cornwell's The Archer's Tale was totally a man's book, describing weapons and battles and horses and armor and oh my, I'm bored to tears just describing it. I couldn't even press on through the last 50 pages. Jeffrey Stepakoff's Fireworks Over Toccoa was an advanced reader's copy from a friend and it was just...eh.  It was sort of like a copycat Nicholas Sparks novel.  The typical "I'm married, but wait! Maybe I married the wrong man and I need to find myself while having an affair with a random handsome stranger who will drag me off to broken down cabins in a thunderstorm to make perfect passionate love" book, which totally annoy me.  Forgive me, but infidelity is never romantic. 

That's not to say I haven't read some good books.  I re-read a series I haven't read since high school - Brock and Bodie Thoene's Shiloh Legacy series - one of the few Christian authors who I think has talent.  Reading about the influenza epidemic that killed millions of people and a child dying of polio made me thankful for modern day medical achievements such as antibiotics and vaccines.  The description of how families survived the Great Depression was a good lesson in perseverence.  I read Ken Follett's World Without End which made me really interested in life in the 14th century...and also very glad I live in the 21st century (the Plague?!)  My church has a learning center class on Gary Thomas' Sacred Marriage, and even though Dave and I aren't taking the class, I decided to read it anyway so I'm on the same page as my friends who are taking it.  Great marriage book....great.  Lou Priolo's The Heart of Anger gave me some perspective on how parents provoke children to anger and how to help kids evaluate the source of their anger as well as how to transform the anger into godly behavior.   By far, the weirdest book from this month was also the one I enjoyed the most.  Gregory Maguire's Wicked was strange, but captivating.  I haven't read The Wizard of Oz (but have it now thanks to my Borders going out of business), but I loved the re-telling of the flip side of the Wicked Witch of the West.  Now I really want to see the musical.  I downloaded the soundtrack on iTunes and it's awesome. I haven't enjoyed listening to a musical since Les Miserables. 

So, that's it on the book front.  I'm not even going to make predictions anymore about what I want to read.  I'm just going to read. 

The Boy Cousin

We met the newest cousin this weekend - Keane Michael Welsh.  Keane is also my first and (so far) only nephew.  He's pretty cute. 

Ethan was all over the baby, giving him toys, stroking his head, and wanting to hold him.  Both boys were concerned whenever he cried. 

I love being an aunt.

The Animal Hospital

You know those days when none of your toys seem to interest your kids?  The days where they wander aimlessly around the house, clinging to your legs, and whining for no apparent reason? 

Days like that make me really glad that God has given me a measure of creativity.  Days like that also make me glad that I saved random things from my teaching days.  A few days ago, I had a grocery store in my living room.  I had a parking lot of bikes to carry the "groceries" home.  This morning the aimless wandering and whining began before 9am so I decided to try to head it off before it got too bad. 

Welcome to the animal hospital. 

Doctors Ethan and Noah checked all their animals, handed out medicine and tucked them into bed.

Doctoring is such hard work.

Tantrums and Time Out

Once again, I need to smack myself.  Why do I never learn to not grow prideful about the fact that my kids don't do "such and such"?  Hi, my name is Elizabeth and my kids throw tantrums.  Somehow, I used to think that only bad, over-indulgent parents had kids who threw tantrums.  I'm not saying I'm a spectacular parent, but I think I do a pretty decent job.  My sister and I were talking about this new tantrum thing and she said, (after describing a tantrum her 13 month old threw recently), "Aren't you worried your kid is going to be a brat?"  I'm not sure I'm worried yet.  I think how I handle them determines whether or not they will turn out to be a brat.  I'm hoping this is just like anything else kids do - it's a phase. 

Ethan has started screaming at me.  And I mean, screaming to the point where he makes himself cough and his voice cracks.  The other day, I asked him which toys he wanted to take up for his rest time.  He told me he wanted train tracks, which, at the moment, were spread out over the living room floor in a pretty amazing design.  I asked him to start cleaning them up and he spewed out, "No!  I....don't...want...to!!!"  Oh yes, while stamping his feet.  He was told that if he did not clean them up, then he would not have train tracks in his room because I was not going to do it.  He refused.  I started leading him upstairs - sans train tracks - and he lost it.  He started crying. His knees buckled.  He screamed at me.  I had to carry him upstairs.  When we finally made it upstairs, I tried to have him go potty before his rest.  Disaster.  He didn't have to go potty.  I got him down.  Then he did have to go potty.  Then he didn't have to go potty.  Finally, I determined he was extremely tired.  I wrestled on the pull-up, stuck him in his toddler bed and told him not to get up...or else.  I pulled down the shade, walked out and closed the door.  From downstairs I could hear him screaming..."I don't want this!!" (THUMP) "I don't want THIS!!"  (THUMP)  "AAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  (THUMP)  He threw everything off his bed, cried for a while and promptly fell asleep.  He never sleeps.  He hasn't actually slept at naptime in 2 months.  And even that time was a rarity. 

And then there's Noah and timeout...Noah finds great pleasure in destroying whatever Ethan has set up.  I've been teaching him to control his hands, identifying what he does as unkind or selfish or whatever and putting him in time out.  If he's not going to play nicely, he's going to be taken out of the game.  A few days ago, he was in timeout 3 times in a row for tearing apart Ethan's trains.  After the third time, I was back in the kitchen and I heard Ethan shrieking.  Sigh...I walked back in to see destroyed trains, Ethan forlornly putting them back together and Noah sitting quietly in the time out chair...where he had put himself.  I'm pretty sure that means that timeout doesn't affect him all that much.  It also tells me he knows he did something unacceptable. 

Gosh, I wish parenting was cut and dry.  I wish it worked so that if you do X, then Y happens.  It's just not easy and sometimes it really hurts my brain. 

Around the World

Field Trip Day again!!  Learning about different cultures was the lesson of this trip.  Learning about different cultures on a very basic level of course.  The goal was more to introduce the kids (early elementary ages and below) to the idea that there are different countries who have different customs and speak a different language.  The kids traveled between three different stations organized by myself and two other moms. 

First up - the United Kingdom.  Stacy read them the story of Paddington Bear, showed them some pictures of London and had them taste some tea.  The tea seemed to be quite a hit.

Next up - India.  Tara let the kids dress up in scarves and clothes that her husband had brought back from his business trips to India.  They talked about the language, got to see a shopping bag (hand-made from newspaper), and learned about tigers.  Then, the music...on went the Bollywood music and the kids learned a few dance moves. 

Finally - France.  Of course that was my station!!  I read aloud a familiar children's book in French - Bonsoir Lune (any ideas?) so they could hear what the language sounded like.  Then they learned a traditional children's song about a miller who is not keeping watch over his windmill; the song requires them to spin their arms alternately slowly and quickly so they had fun doing that.  And then, they tasted Brie.  I know, I know, it doesn't sound like a kid friendly food...and it wasn't...so why not croissants or cookies or baguette?  Well, we've got some allergies in the group and I knew that Brie would be a safe bet.  A few kids ate the whole piece, but a good deal of it was spit back into the trashcan.  I hope I haven't scarred them forever from eating exotic French cheeses!

Back home and Ethan has been asking for the windmill song ever since we walked in the door.  And he still thinks it's in some strange language known as "Ga-zee".  Oh well...at least he knows more languages than English exist, right?

The Old vs The Young

As I've mentioned before, my husband loves soccer.  Consequently, my kids love soccer.  Dave still plays soccer a few days a week - with the high school team, with an adult indoor league.  He also played in high school and for a year at Messiah; this past weekend, he put together a game of the alumni soccer players against the current varsity team.   Ethan and I hung out with Grandpa Spence at the game while Noah got some napping special one-on-one time with Grandma Spence. 

As usual, Dave played most of the game. 

Towards the end, I mentioned to Ken that Dave looked tired and Ken replied, "Oh, but I think he still has a goal in him".  Sure enough, about a minute later, he scored!

Like a good little firstborn son, Ethan played and watched the game happily from the bleachers, occasionally yelling out, "Go, Daddy! Go! Go! Go!"

After the game, he got to kick the ball around the field.  Man, did he look small on that big field!

One of the other alumni dads also had a son kicking the ball around.  Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present James Wood High School's second generation of soccer stars!

I'll give you one guess who won the game.  If you guessed the young ones, you win.  If you guessed the "old" ones, thanks for the confidence!

Calm Words

One of the (very few) positive things I got from the Pearls' book To Train Up A Child, was the reminder that I should always be speaking to my children in a calm tone of voice.  In that book, they write: "If you raise your voice when giving a command to your child, he will learn to associate your tone and sound level with your intention. If you have trained him to respond to a bellow, don't blame him if he ignores your first thirteen calm 'suggestions' while waiting for your fevered pitch to reach the point where he interprets it to be a real command."

Like I said in the negative portion of my review, there are other Christian parenting books who present the same information in a much more reasonable manner.  While reading Lou Priolo's book The Heart of Anger, I came across this quote regarding scolding from Henry Clay Trumbull's book Hints on Child Training (first published in 1891) that I found much more powerful. 

Scolding is always the expression of a bad spirit and of a loss of temper...the essence of the scolding is in the multiplication of hot words in expression of strong feelings that, while eminently natural, ought to be held in better control.

If a child has done wrong, a child needs talking to; but no parent ought to talk to a child while that parent is unable to talk in a natural tone of voice, and with carefully measured words.  If the parent is tempted to speak rapidly, or to multiply words without stopping to weight them, or to show an excited state of feeling, the parent's first duty is to gain entire self-control.  Until that control is secured, there is no use of the parent's trying to attempt any measure of child training.  The loss of self control is for the time being an utter loss of power for the control of others.

Strong words, huh?  I was convicted.  Sometimes it's easy to justify scolding - the situation demands immediate attention, the kids need to know what they did was wrong or inappropriate or whatever.  But the thought that I have lost all credibility in training my children when I lose self control...wow.  That's big. 

It take such incredible discipline.  I'm so thankful that my women's small group is studying Proverbs this session.  Do you know how many Scriptures in Proverbs revolve around using your words?  Tons. 

Proverbs 15:1 - A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 16:21 - The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.
Proverbs 16:24 - Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

This may be intuitive to some, but I am continually amazed at the truth of those Scriptures.  Just this evening, Ethan pitched a fit when Noah destroyed his trains.  He was understandably frustrated, but the crying and stamping of the feet and wailing was just overkill.  I saw a moment to teach him the appropriate response.  (And as background, I'm really sick and tired of the fit-pitching right now.  Like, REEEAAALLLLLY sick and tired of it.  Sick and tired to the point where I have found myself impatiently scolding him about his behavior)  I called him over, put my arm around him and said, "I know you're upset that Noah wrecked your trains.  You don't need to cry and scream.  Next time, in a calm voice, say, 'Dad, Noah wrecked my trains.  Can you help me?' and we will get Noah.  Can you practice doing that?"  Listening to my calm voice, he immediately settled and tried to practice the correct response.  Had I freaked out on him, he would have gotten more agitated.  He would not have had the seed planted about the correct way to respond. 

I absolutely do not think to respond that way every time.  But it's so motivating and encouraging when I do remember and see positive results.  Why do I ever allow myself to lose self control and display a disgruntled facial expression or agitated tone of voice?  It doesn't work!!!  I'm so thankful that God provides learning opportunities for each and every one of us; if we decide to cooperate with the lesson, we grow.  I want to grow.  Bring on the lessons.  Bring. It. On. 

Straight Up Bragging

Yes, I'm bragging.  Totally bragging. 

You know how before you were a parent you swore that your kids would eat everything placed in front of them and like it too?  And then, wonder of wonders, they sometimes love something, sometimes hate something, sometimes eat 3 platefuls of food, sometimes eat 2 teaspoons of food, and then generally refuse to eat other foods. 

Well, I have experienced a triumph.

My kids like asparagus. 

In fact, they loooovvvve it and ask for more. 

And no, I did not resort to telling them it was Junior Asparagus and that it would be fun to bite his head off.  Nope...never...because that would be cruel.  Yeah...

Cars In the Window

One of the boys absolute favorite activities when the weather is warm is what I have termed, "Cars In the Window".  It doesn't usually involve nakedness, but you know, it did the day I took the pictures. 

The boys pull over their basket of cars.  They pull out each individual car, start on one end of the window and then drive it across to the other window, where a parking lot is created.  Once that window is full, the cars get driven back to the other side. 

This goes on for many long minutes...MANY long minutes. 

And that, my friends, is why Mommy loves "Cars In the Window" just as much as the kids.

Saying "Good Job!" Might Actually Be Bad?

Alfie Kohn has written many articles on education, human behavior and parenting.  In this article, Five Reasons To Stop Saying "Good Job" (Young Children: Sept 2001)  he discusses five reasons why he thinks constantly offering praise and, in particular, saying, "Good job!" for every task a child accomplishes could be harmful in the long run. 

 Kohn gives the five reasons as follows:

1) It's manipulative - parents say "good job" to praise an activity simply because it will make their lives more convenient or reinforce a behavior that they want the child to continue doing.

2) It creates "praise junkies" - "Rather than bolstering a child’s self-esteem, praise may increase kids’ dependence on us. The more we say, "I like the way you…." or "Good ______ing," the more kids come to rely on our evaluations, our decisions about what’s good and bad, rather than learning to form their own judgments. It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval."

3) It steals a child's pleasure. "I cherish the occasions when my daughter manages to do something for the first time, or does something better than she’s ever done it before. But I try to resist the knee-jerk tendency to say, "Good job!" because I don’t want to dilute her joy. I want her to share her pleasure with me, not look to me for a verdict. I want her to exclaim, "I did it!" (which she often does) instead of asking me uncertainly, 'Was that good?'"

4) It produces a child who is only interested in a certain activity or willing to perform a certain behavior if they receive praise for it. "In a troubling study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were. Every time they had heard "Good sharing!" or "I’m so proud of you for helping," they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not as something valuable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again from an adult. Generosity became a means to an end. Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise. Alas, that’s often at the expense of commitment to whatever they were doing that prompted the praise."

5) It actually reduces achievement.  "Researchers keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task tend to stumble at the next task – and they don’t do as well as children who weren’t praised to begin with.  Why does this happen? Partly because the praise creates pressure to "keep up the good work" that gets in the way of doing so. Partly because their interest in what they’re doing may have declined. Partly because they become less likely to take risks – a prerequisite for creativity – once they start thinking about how to keep those positive comments coming."

Mr. Kohn's solution is as follows:
So what’s the alternative? That depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say instead has to be offered in the context of genuine affection and love for who kids are rather than for what they’ve done. When unconditional support is present, "Good job!" isn’t necessary; when it’s absent, "Good job!" won’t help.


If we’re praising positive actions as a way of discouraging misbehavior, this is unlikely to be effective for long. Even when it works, we can’t really say the child is now "behaving himself"; it would be more accurate to say the praise is behaving him. The alternative is to work with the child, to figure out the reasons he’s acting that way. We may have to reconsider our own requests rather than just looking for a way to get kids to obey. (Instead of using "Good job!" to get a four-year-old to sit quietly through a long class meeting or family dinner, perhaps we should ask whether it’s reasonable to expect a child to do so.)

* Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be "reinforced" because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke.

*Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement ("You put your shoes on by yourself" or even just "You did it") tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: "This mountain is huge!" "Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!"


If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: "Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack." This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing

* Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking "What was the hardest part to draw?" or "How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?" is likely to nourish his interest in drawing. Saying "Good job!", as we’ve seen, may have exactly the opposite effect.

So, thoughts, anyone? 

To read the article in its entirety, go here.

Commenting

Random tidbit of technical housekeeping here....

Blogger has probably the worse format for leaving comments on the blog itself.  I think it's kind of confusing to figure out how to do it.  To me, the choices of "Open ID" or "Name/URL" or "Google Account" are just confusing.  I have no idea myself what the first two options mean.  So...since I have delusions of large numbers of readers just dying to leave a comment and being frustrated by the system, everything has changed and it's SOOO much easier.  All you have to do to comment is:

1) At the bottom of the post, click on the word " 0 Comments" (It might say "2 comments" or whatever the number of comments is)
2) Type your comment.
3) Select "Post as"
4) Enter your e-mail address (which will not be published) and your name (as you would like it to be displayed". 
5) Click "Post Comment"

You should see your comment pop up right away.  You can also choose to "Like" a comment or to reply to someone else's comment

Hope that helps!

I've Been Spencified

I'll bet you'd like to know what that means, wouldn't you?  Well...I'll tell you.  Spencification is the process by which a natural non-Spence person officially acquires their status as part of the Spence family. One of the tests of whether or not you have sufficiently integrated into the Spence family is whether or not you can eat this:

This, my friends is a Breakfast Burrito.  No, it is not actually eated AT breakfast, but it perhaps used to be.  In order to attain full Spencification status, you must be able to eat it with every component; there is no leaving off of ingredients that one does not care for. 

I am very proud to say that, for the first time (or maybe second...it's slightly unclear), I have eaten a Breakfast Burrito in all its perfect deliciousness.  How does one make such a spectacular creation?  Well, let me tell you...

First, let me warn you that the creation of a breakfast burrito is no small task.  It takes great coordination and organization.  The recipe has taken my mother in law nearly three decades to perfect.  Even so, the undertaking of the breakfast burrito is a huge sacrifice and every member of the Spence family recognizes this fact.  The sacrifice only makes the Breakfast Burrito even more precious. 

The current recipe (and it is always a work in progress) is as follows:

Ingredients

Bacon (3 strips per tortilla)

Flour tortillas

Green taco sauce

Grated cheddar cheese

Avocados, mashed

Garlic salt

Lemon pepper seasoning

Alfalfa or broccoli sprouts

Directions

1) Cook bacon.

2) Spread green taco sauce liberally on each tortilla.  Cover taco sauce with grated cheddar and bake at 400 degrees until cheese is bubbly and golden.

3) Slice tomatoes.

4) Mash avocados and blend with garlic salt and lemon pepper to taste.

5) Remove baked tortillas from oven.  Spread one side of tortilla with avocado.  Top with bacon, tomatoes and sprouts.  Fold and serve.

Enjoy.  And please know that once you have enjoyed a Breakfast Burrito in all its gloriousness, you will officially become an honorary member of the Spence family.

Complicated Recipes Are Really Annoying

I have to confess something.  I often tease my husband because of a tendency he has.  Dave is one of these people who goes on what I like to call "kicks".  By this I mean that he goes in spurts where he is gung-ho about a particular activity or food and then abruptly stops doing that activity or eating that food.  He will go weeks eating breakfast sausage and cheese for breakfast and then suddenly start eating cereal every day for another few weeks.  He will do sit-ups every morning for a few weeks and then suddenly stop.

Guess what?  I do the same thing!  I officially declare that I will no longer tease him about this.

Anyway, that's not the point...just had to get that off my chest.  I did, however, go on a cooking "kick" yesterday partly in preparation for my brother and sister coming to visit for a few days.  I decided to try a few recipes that I've been wanting to try for a while. 

First, I made these lemon streusal muffins (minus the nuts, of course).  I was annoyed by the time I was done with them.  First of all, I had to buy cake flour.  Second of all, I had to search out lemon yogurt.  This recipe required the use of three different bowls, not to mention the two bowls I had to use to separate the eggs.  The prep time on these muffins is listed as 20 minutes.  20 minutes?  Why?  I thought muffins were supposed to be the easiest baked good.  AND!!!  I had to beat egg whites to "stiff peaks" and fold them in.  Too complicated.  I haven't tasted them yet to know if they are worth all that trouble.

Then, I made cookies (which were fine, although overbaked) and this rustic italian tortellini soup, which is awesome.

And then I moved on to another new and complicated recipe.  Well, maybe it wasn't all that complicated but it was different.  I made Herbed Spelt Popovers, using a recipe from the King Arthur Flour Whole Grain Baking cookbook that my mom had gotten me for Christmas.  Once again, I had to use a new flour - spelt flour - found only in the organic section of the grocery store.  The ingredients had to be placed in a blender in a very specific order.  Then, the batter had to sit for 15 minutes before being poured into greased muffin cups.  So, ok, not that difficult, but you know how it is when you're trying a new technique for the first time.  It just takes longer.  I also highly recommend reading the entire recipe before you realize that oh, darn!  Making these is going to make dinner happen later than I wanted!  They turned out to be really good though.  Hollow in the middle and light and fluffy.  I recommend popovers if you want to try a totally different type of bread-like recipe.

I would like to know one thing:  Am I the only one whose kitchen looks like this while they are cooking? 

Imperfection

Well, writing about not being the perfect housekeeper definitely struck a nerve.  And it seems to be a theme.  Yesterday, one of the blogs I've recently discovered posted this article discussing how many women experience self-condemnation while reading all the mommy blogs.  You know, those women who post pictures of their perfectly decorated home or those moms who write about the amazing crafts they spent 4 hours doing with their kids.  And then we ordinary women read them and feel like a loser for not doing all those amazing things.  Several women (including myself) commented about how they handle the comparison issue and one of them posted this quote from Charles Spurgeon which was just so perfect and so right on that I had to share it:

It is ever the Holy Spirit’s work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus; but Satan’s work is just the opposite of this, for he is constantly trying to make us regard ourselves instead of Christ. He insinuates, “Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith; you do not repent enough; you will never be able to continue to the end; you have not the joy of His children; you have such a wavering hold of Jesus.” All these are thoughts about self, and we shall never find comfort or assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our eyes entirely away from self: He tells us that we are nothing, but that “Christ is all in all.” Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee-it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee-it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument-it is Christ’s blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul. If we would at once overcome Satan and have peace with God, it must be by “looking unto Jesus.” Keep thine eye simply on Him; let His death, His sufferings, His merits, His glories, His intercession, be fresh upon thy mind; when thou wakest in the morning look to Him; when thou liest down at night look to Him. Oh! let not thy hopes or fears come between thee and Jesus; follow hard after Him, and He will never fail thee.

Why did I not think of this??  I'm not supposed to be comparing myself to others in any way!  I'm supposed to be comparing myself to Christ.  When I compare myself to others, ultimately I'm being turned within to self instead of turned outward to face Christ.  It is only His approval I need.  

Servanthood

I love books.  I love them so much that I often have at least two going at once.  Generally, I have a novel for day-reading and a non-fiction (generally Christian living) book for night-reading.  Right now my non-fiction choice is Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas  It's pretty awesome.  In fact, our church currently has a learning center class based around this book.  Obviously, it's about marriage, but I read this last night and it made me think:

Contrary to popular opinion, woman was not created for her own fulfillment. (That goes for the men, too!)  She was created to be a helper and a nurturer.  Now that is not an easy assignment to accept.  We tend to bristle and think, There must be something more significant than that!  What homemaker hasn't found herself asking, after the fiftieth load of laundry in a week or when facing yet another sink full of dirty dishes, "Is there anything significant about what I'm doing here?"  Yet in God's eyes, nothing is more significant than servanthood.  The path to genuine greatness lies in serving.

Grasping for power or recognition is natural.  Servanthood is supernatural.  So many women are missing out on the supernatural today because they are caught up in the "search for significance".  Ironically, the more they search for it, the less satisfied they feel.  Why?  Significance is found in giving your life away, not in selfishly trying to find personal happiness.  (Gary and Becky Ricucci: Love That Lasts as quoted in Sacred Marriage, p.182)

My Favorite Books

I always need a good book.  Here are a few of my absolute all-time favorites:

1) Forever Amber - Kathleen Winsor

Banned in 14 states, condemned by the Catholic church, and labeled as "pornography" in the 1940s, this book tells the story of a Scarlet O'Hara type character who rises from a country lass to mistress of the king.  It's not nearly as racy as the introduction makes it sound, at least not by modern standards, but Amber St.Clare is no blushing virgin.  You'll love her and hate her at the same time.

2) Middlemarch - George Eliot

The classics I love tend to be written by female authors for some reason.  I don't remember the story, but I know I loved it. :)

3) Outlander - Diana Gabaldon

This book - oh, this book!- has gained almost a cult following in my circle of friends. We have all read the whole series multiple times. It tells the story of Claire Beauchamp, a nurse in post-World War II who winds up time traveling (I know, it sounds weird) back to 18th century Scotland.  It's not science fiction and it's not romance...sort of a blend of historical fiction with a twist of science fiction. 

4) Persuasion - Jane Austen

Out of all the Austen books (every one if which I love), this one appealed to me the most.  I have no idea, because it definitely isn't her funniest.  The story revolves around Anne Eliot, an "aging" spinster who was persuaded to reject the love of her life, but now, years later, meets him again. 

5) The Queen's Fool - Philippa Gregory

Philippa Gregory has written a whole slew of historical fiction about England's queens, including The Other Boleyn Girl which was made into a film starring Scarlett Johansen.  I don't love her books, but this one appealed to me.  It involves a Jewish girl who becomes part of Princess Elizabeth's court.  What I loved about it was the main character's commitment to a difficult marriage in spite of all the court intrigue.

6) The Undomestic Goddess - Sophie Kinsella

And for a small dose of shallow chick-lit...I have read all of Sophie Kinsella's books when I just need something fun that I don't have to think about.  This one was my favorite.

7) Follow the River - James Alexander Thom

I don't remember why I picked up this book, but I grabbed it while visiting my parent's house one day and it completely sucked me in.  It's the true story of a woman who, along with her children, was captured by the Indians during the time of the French and Indian War.  It chronicles her time in captivity as well as her journey back to Virginia through the wilderness.  A survival story with a female heroine is a rarity and this was captivating.

8) Lonesome Dove - Larry McMurtry

This book I thought I would hate!  Thankfully, my mom persuaded me that even though I don't like westerns, I would like this one, and she was right.  It seems like such a "man book" but it just isn't.  There are strong female characters and a story line that draws you in.  There is excellent character development to the point where you just feel like you know them. 

9) The Scarlet Thread - Francine Rivers

Up until this point, I haven't listed any Christian fiction and that's because there isn't much I like.  I really don't understand why most Christian authors just do not have the skill that so many secular authors do.  I'm picky, though, so maybe that's the problem.  Francine Rivers, I love.  This book stands out to me, particularly since I've been married.  It has dual storylines, one following a modern day woman who has packed up and moved away from her family because of her husband's job and the other following a 19th century pioneer woman (a relative of the modern day woman).  The modern day woman struggles with bitterness regarding the move and resentment towards her husband; ultimately, her marriage suffers.  Throughout the story, both women learn to see God's hand (the scarlet thread) woven consistently through every circumstance in their lives.  It will really make you evaluate your own attitude in marriage.

Parlez-Vous Francais?

Moi?  Mais oui!

Mes enfants?  Euh....non.  Pas du tout.

In my former life, I used to be a French teacher.  I used to speak French.  I used to be absolutely determined that my children would be bilingual.  During my year abroad in Strasbourg, France (10 years ago!!!!).....

...I perused bookshelves and collected my favorite children's books in French.  I've got Bonsoir lune, La chenille qui fait des trous, Max et les maximonstres, and so on.  During my years teaching in Pennsylvania and West Virginia, I collected children's music, DVDs and games.  

But you know how everyone is an expert on parenting before they have kids?  Yeah...then I actually gave birth to these children who were intended to be fluent in French by the time they were 3 years old.  Then I realized that I would be too tired to search my brain for babytalk in French and too frustrated to try to get them to understand how to "come here" in French.  I mean, I already have to say it three times before it actually happens.  When I think about doing starting it now, the thought of running around the house calling, "Viens-ici" just makes me giggle.  In fact, Mommy speaking French actually makes Ethan giggle too.  I once tried to read those precious French children's books to him and he laughed through the entire book. Apparently, he thinks I'm trying to be comical.  He does love the French children's music that I have, although he calls it "Ga-zee" music.  I'm not entirely sure how it came to be called that; the only thing I can think of is that the lyrics of one song say something like "Zinga zinga zinga zing" and I guess you can pick out those sounds somewhere?  I've further desecrated the French language by continuing to call the French music "Ga-zee music".  I hope he doesn't grow up thinking Gazee is an actual language...

So why not start it now?  Well, I've honestly lost a lot of it.  I just sat here thinking of what basic phrases I could just start using in French and I actually need to go get my French-English dictionary because I cannot for the life of me remember some fairly common phrases.  ("Clean up the toys"?  BCAers...help!)  I can still teach it with a textbook in front of me though (and will probably be doing that again in the fall with a few homeschoolers).  I'm also very self-conscious speaking French now.  I've regressed to that pre-fluency point where I'm afraid to make mistakes.  It takes a good deal of effort to understand spoken French, although I could probably sit down and read a news article in Le Monde.  A few years ago, on our way home from Scotland, Dave thought it would fun to send the French flight attendant over to me and start up a conversation (because he thinks it's awesome that I speak French).  I was so embarrassed that I could barely compose a simple sentence.  Even if there's a French speaking person around, I pretty much avoid all conversation with them (although I will follow them in museums and attempt to eavesdrop). 

So, what do I do?  It's pretty common knowledge that the best time to learn a foreign language is when you are very young and having an actual degree in a foreign language, I know this probably better than anyone.  I've had entire classes on second language acquisition, for crying out loud.  I don't know.  I just have much higher priorities right now. You know, like training my children to be kind, considerate, respectful, obedient, truthful, and loving.  Making sure they understand how to brush their teeth, put their shoes on, go potty, eat with a spoon and fork and clean up their toys.  Teaching them their alphabet, numbers, colors and shapes.  Keeping them from stealing toys from each other, hitting, pushing and bossing each other around.  When it comes down to it, what is really more important?

Perfect Little Housekeeper?

So many interesting conversations this week!  My head is hurting just a little bit...Someone told me this week that I seem like I have it all together (you know who you are :) )  It got me thinking since this is not the first time that someone has said that to me.  What is it that I do that puts off this vibe to some people that I have it all together???  Because I SOOOO do not!!  I think most of us stay-at-home moms compare ourselves to others and believes everyone else is doing better than us in certain areas.  I know that I personally am jealous of the women who stay at home with their kids AND manage to run their own businesses.  I just always feel like that irritating "Proverbs 31" woman is always mentioned as earning money, sewing clothes, getting up while it is still dark, blah, blah, blah.  And I bring in NO money.  I just spend Dave's money. 

I don't want to arrogantly assume that everyone thinks I'm a perfect little June Cleaver of a wife and mother - I'm sure many people could list off some of my faults - but let me just enlighten you as to what my house and life actually looks like.  In the interest of authenticity, here are some of the truthful, realistic and sometimes negative things that I can think of about me:

1) Yes, I lost most of my baby weight and yes, I'm thin.  However, gaining 40 lbs in a mere 9 months has left my body with a maze of stretch marks and a saggy pooch right above my beautiful c-section scar.  I hate it.  I will never wear a bikini again and that sort of makes me sad, even though I only wore one a few times pre-children.  But you know?  I just wish I had that option. 

2)  I only cook 3 nights a week.  I am not one of those women who cooks a different meal every night.  We usually order dinner at least once on the weekend because I quite frankly, am too lazy to cook on the weekends unless I absolutely must. 

3) I have a good marriage and I love my husband.   But I must confess that so many times, after the kids are in bed, all I want to do is be alone and not talk. 

4) I yelled at my kids last week.  I yelled at them for yelling, how stupid is that?  I have never ever ever wanted to be a yeller and yet it happens. 

5) On Sunday, I was home alone with the kids while Dave was camping.  Noah was sick and absolutely beyond miserable.  He was just whining and crying and hanging on me and laying on me and wiping snot all over me and by the time Dave got home I was ready to scream.  It was all I could do to not completely lose it when he walked in the door. 

6) Laundry.  I detest laundry.  This week I spent two days doing 6 loads of laundry, three of which had been dry and sitting in the laundry room for about 5 days while I pretended they didn't exist.  All day I did laundry.  All...stinkin...day.

7) I just mopped my floors for the first time in a month.

8)  I am currently ignoring the beach of crumbs that exists in my kitchen.  In fact, it is almost involuntary at this point to just keep walking through the crumbs and then reaching down and wiping off my feet rather than pull out the vacuum and clean it up. 

9) I look at the handprints all over the window and think, "I really should get the Windex and clean that."  And then I never do.  Because if I do, the windows will be covered in handprints within 15 minutes because the boys will see me cleaning and of course, want to touch them all over again. 

10) I have two huge piles of papers that need to be filed away and I'm once again going to pretend they do not exist.  I mean, really?  They are sitting in the middle of my yard sale pile and it's just way too much trouble to weed through all that to file the papers. 

11) I procrastinated doing my Bible study homework an hour before Bible study. 

12)  You know that book list I made as part of my goals for 2011?  Well, I have already decided that I'm not reading at least one of them because I don't have the persistence to plod through it (East of Eden).  I've gotten too interested in other books and not stuck to the ones on the list. 

13)  Despite steadily increasing my running distance to about 5-6 miles each time, I'm actually gaining weight. 

14) I wish I was a little more trendy fashion wise.  I wish I wasn't so self conscious every time I tried a new trend.  I am always afraid that everyone is looking at me like, "Wow...I hope she doesn't think that looks good because it looks really dumb."  For example, I always want to wear scarves and then convince myself that everyone is critiquing the look in their heads.  I need my really stylish younger sister MaryKate to come help me out because she just always looks so cute and fun and can always pull off the trends very easily. 

15)  I've never gotten my wedding dress preserved.  I got married 7 years ago.  Talk about procrastinating.

16)  Speaking of wedding-related things I forgot to do...I actually forgot to mail a large chunk of thank you notes because I lost them.  I did write them, but then we moved and I threw them in a box.  By the time I actually got around to unpacking that box, it was about 2 years after the wedding.  I thought it would be ridiculous to actually mail them so late, so I threw them away.  (Mom and Rosemary - please don't be too shocked.)

17) Right now, I'm standing at the kitchen counter typing this during naptime, completely wasting away all of the time I'm going to have to exercise.  And I haven't even taken a shower.  Which, you know, I have to do now that I wrote about how I *always* have makeup on and am dressed in more than sweats.  Sigh....

18) I step over toys and clothing and ignore the dirty dishes on my kitchen counter all the time.  In parting, please enjoy these pictures of what my house looks like on a normal day:

Dishes from the dinner the night before, breakfast dishes and recycling that I'm too lazy to walk downstairs.

More breakfast dishes, trash.  The placemats on the table are filthy as are the kids booster seats.

Noah is currently in a phase of dumping out every single basket of toys that we own. 

My house is overtaken by toys.

Ignoring the clothes that need to be put away.  I'll probably just throw them into the laundry instead of actually putting them away.

More clothes that will go straight to the laundry.

Oh, and?  In the middle of it, I have kids that look like this every time I turn around:

Positive "Safety Training"

So, generally during the day, I ignore my children.  Not really, but I do spend a lot of time setting them up in activities so they can play by themselves.  Pulling out activities and toys so that I can get stuff done without them underfoot.  Usually, I'll turn on the TV right after naptime so that I can cook dinner in peace without a child hanging onto my legs.  Yesterday, I was a good mom.  I got Ethan up from his afternoon room/rest time and asked him if he wanted to come help me make meatballs - North African Meatballs, to be specific (soooo good...Dave and I were mildly bickering about who got the leftovers this morning). 

I pulled out the little child-sized apron he got for Christmas from Grandma.


Don't you love how he smiles for the camera now?

I went and got a little plastic chef's knife from his play kitchen and handed him a small piece of onion to "chop".  Surprisingly, with a lot of effort, those fake knives actually do cut stuff.  Ethan's first piece of real life cooking training came when he learned that onions make your eyes water and you shouldn't rub your hands in your eyes after you've touched an onion.  Then he helped me measure spices and herbs and bread crumbs.

When we started dumping things into the frying pan, I was reminded of a concept from that oh-so-crazy parenting book that I blogged about - To Train Up a Child.  Michael Pearl was talking about his so-called "safety training" and he describes this scenario:

We've always had a wood-burning stove for cooking and heating  A red-hot stove can seriously burn toddlers.  I have seen some awful sears on other children.  But we had no fear, knowing the effectiveness of our training.  When the first fires of fall were lit, I would coax the toddlers over to see the fascinating flames.  Of course, they always wanted to touch, so I held them off until the stove got hot enough to inflict pain without deep burning - testing it with my own hand.  When the heat was just right, I would open the door long enough for them to be attracted by the flames and then I would close the door and move away.  The child would inevitably run to the stove and touch it.  Just as his hand touched the stove, I would say, "Hot!" (p.69-70)

I just think that scenario was unnecessary.  He could have taught them not to touch it without tempting them to do it and deceiving them into thinking everything would be fine until the very last second.  I also don't think it's necessary to always teach kids what not to do.  You can teach them what to do instead and keep the environment more positively focused.  So, I taught Ethan how to safely help me cook. 

There was no need to induce him to touch the pan or burner to teach him it was hot.  All I needed to do was tell him it was hot and move his hand to the pan handle to show him where he could touch.  Now, I would never walk away and blithely let him cook away, but I think it was really good for him to learn the correct thing to do.  When he wasn't stirring the pan, he stood on the stool in front of the stove clasping his hands together so that he wouldn't touch what he wasn't supposed to.  I have to say that I'm not so sure my wild child (Noah) would do so well with that lesson.  I think the pan would have landed on the floor if he had been doing this.  Gotta take the kid's personality into account for everything, right?