This Three Kid Thing? It's Hard.

I lied.

Well, ok, maybe I didn't exactly lie.  Maybe I was trying to convince myself. Maybe I just hadn't hit the wall yet.  I don't know.  But now I will tell you - and I apologize to those of you who are pregnant with your third child or who want a third child and who are watching me to see what it's like - three kids is hard. 

Like I said in a previous post, writing is cathartic to me.  I'm not writing this to garner sympathy or help, nor do I want anyone to worry about me.  But right now, I still can't exercise and I can't control the amount of sleep I get so I'm stuck with only writing to get it out. 

I'm just burnt out.  I'm so burnt out that a few days ago I went out to the grocery store to get coffee creamer and on the way there, I nearly broke into hyperventilating sobs while contemplating driving ANYWHERE just so I didn't have to go home yet. 

I'm burnt out for a lot of reasons. 

I'm burnt out because all three kids have been sick one after the other for a month non-stop.  We all got the coughing virus thing...then two of them had ear infections...then Ethan got the stomach bug...then Noah spiked a random high fever...and now Ethan has a fever again only four days after he got the stomach thing.  The other day Noah cried all...day...long.  ALL day long.  And the child is loud.  He's so loud that we can hear him crying at night through two closed doors, down the hallway with a fan running in our bedroom.  His cries make your brain rattle around in your skull.  And in between the crying, every word he said came out in a whine. 

I'm burnt out because Noah hasn't slept through the night more than 3-4 times in a month. There is nothing wrong with him; half the time, he's crying hysterically and he isn't even fully awake.  We're about to implement our pediatrician's advice to let him CIO. 
Don't judge.  We're tired.  And no, we are NOT bringing him to bed with us every night when he cries.   This cannot continue. 

I'm burnt out because as an introvert, the fact that there is ALWAYS a person to take care of, ALWAYS someone touching me, ALWAYS someone talking to me (or, in Isaac's case, making noise at me), is completely overwhelming.  I feel like I haven't had the time to process my life, to figure out strategies for handling parenting, to sort through my emotions.  Life to me is very overstimulating right now. I feel claustrophobic in my (beautiful and relatively large) home.  It's interesting because I didn't feel like this with just having two kids and a husband.  It's only now that we have a third one that I just want to be alone and I'm getting frustrated that I can't.  Just something I'll eventually get used to, maybe?

I'm praying.  I'm reading Scripture.  And at the same time, I'm struggling with feeling like both are pointless.  I realize it is unbelief and a lack of trust and a lack of openness to how God is using all of this to grow me and refine my character.  But I don't know what to do about it.  I feel like I'm praying for patience and praying for strength and wisdom and then getting frustrated because the situation isn't getting any easier.  The boys STILL get sick and whine and cry and my head STILL hurts through it.  Noah STILL wakes up in the middle of the night and we're STILL exhausted.  And I realize there is never a guarantee that life situations will change and be easy but I just really really want it to work that way.  So, yeah...there's that.

I don't even really know if all of this has anything at all to do with having three kids.  Would I be burnt out if Noah wasn't sleeping at night and both of them were sick for a month even if I didn't have Isaac?  Probably.  Dave keeps trying to put things into perspective even though he's getting discouraged as well.

We don't have a terminally ill child.  The illness will end at some point.
He has a job.  Real estate is keeping him CRAZY busy right now.
We have a house that we love. 
We have functioning vehicles.
We are a good team and love each other.
We have supportive family and friends. 
It's been really nice outside to allow us to get some fresh air.
It's almost Christmas.

I just keep telling myself to take it one hour at a time, one day at a time, one night at a time.  I keep telling myself that it's going to take a while to adjust to the busyness of life.  I keep telling myself to smile at the kids and to enjoy the happy moments.  It will get easier.  Right?