To Train Up A Child - The Good and the Helpful

After reading Debi Pearl's Created to Be His Helpmeet, I thought I would assauge my curiousity and read their parenting book - To Train Up A Child.  This book has been subjected to intense scrutinyand criticism, primarily because of the discipline methods the Pearls advocate.  In fact, there have been a few instances of parents (followers of the Pearls' methods) who have actually killed their children or severely abused them to the point of leaving horrible welts and bruises.    Basically, I'm reading it for the shock value.   And maybe for the purpose of continuing to develop my personal philosophy of parenting.  Eh, I think the scales may be tipped a little further on the shock value side with this one. :)

Here's what I think about To Train Up A Child: SIGH....these people are such a mixed bag of normalcy and wisdom with a whole lot of weird thrown in.  It takes a lot of concentration to weed through the information and advice to find pieces that I think are reasonable and biblical.  Once again, I did glean some encouragement and reminders to do what I already believe in doing.  So, I'm going to start with that and later write about the (many) parts of the book that had me raising my eyebrows, cringing and picking my jaw up off the floor. 

The Good and The Helpful:
1) I need to remember not to raise my voice when instructing my kids. "If you raise your voice when giving a command to your child, he will learn to associate your tone and sound level with your intention.  If you have trained him to respond to a bellow, don't blame him if he ignores your first thirteen calm "suggestions" while waiting for your fevered pitch to reach the point where he interprets it to be a real command."

2) I train my children to obey, but I have not been very consistent in teaching them to obey RIGHT AWAY.  I find myself becoming stressed and frustrated with having to ask Ethan or Noah to do something 5 times and then eventually disciplining.  I need to work on this now.  Good teenagers are created when children are young.  "When you allow your children to be disobedient four or five times before applying discipline, you are training them to disobey."  "In reality, when parents are poor trainers, they come to dislike the children they have produced.  If you have painted a picture you don't like, don't blame the canvas.  Get out the brushes and paint something better over the mess you made."

3) It is extremely important for parents and children to have a relationship exemplified by mutual respect and honor.  If this is not in place, it creates anger and bitterness in the children. 
- "The feelings of a child are just as important and sacred as those of an adult...The trust you desire to have when they are older must be established and maintained when they are young."
- "Parent, if you are having problems with your children, you can be certain you are not alone.  Your children are also having problems with you.  You are going to have to make adjustments in your own life if you are going to help them with their problems...The responsibility for making a significant change is completely yours. "
- "The strongest cord of discipline is not found in the whip; rather it is in the weaving together of the strings of mutual love, respect, honor, loyalty, admiration and caring."

4) My children are learning about God and His character from watching me.
- "Parents don't have to be perfect; just be a balanced representation of God's personality.  Everything that God is in character and government, parents should display within the limits of their humanity.  Parents need not be all-powerful, just the child's source of strength.  They don't have to be all-wise, just wise enough to guide the child and warrant admiration.  Parents are not required to be sinless, just demonstrate a commitment to goodness." 

5) Children are a reflection of their parents - in good ways and bad ways.
- "A CHILD IS GOING TO BE THE HARVEST OF HIS PARENTS' TEMPERAMENT.  If the mother is sulky, critical or selfish, the children will have a tendency to be the same.  If the father is a bully or full of anger and impatience, his sons will be too.  If the father is rude, demanding, and dispectful of the mother, you can expect the same of his sons.  If a father is intemperate or lustful, the children will likely be worse."

6) Many parents neglect training and immediately resort to discipline or frustration when their children do not meet their expectations.  We should be training our children to know the correct way to behave or respond as a sort of offensive measure to prevent disciplinary situations (as well as to just teach them what they need to know).  Example from our home: I had both boys practice "self control" or "patience" by spending about 30 seconds in a happy, calm moment folding their hands and sitting quietly.  Now, if Noah begins to scream for his food at lunchtime, all I have to say is, "You need to be patient" and he immediately stops screaming and folds his hands on his tray until his plate comes.  Because I had him practice this, he has a frame of reference for what that means, for what I expect.  I'm not just throwing out a random command to "BE PATIENT".
 - "Parents should not wait until their child's behavior becomes unacceptable before they commence training - which would then actually be discipline.  Training is not discipline.  Discipline is the 'damage control' part of training, but is insufficient in iteself to effect proper behavior.  Training is the conditioning of the child's mind before the crisis arises."

So, that's basically the good I got out of the book.  I'll bring up the good, the weird and the downright ugly in my next post...stay tuned.  This is some juicy, and sometimes shocking stuff.