Created To Be His Helpmeet

I finished the first book on my list - Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl.  I have a lot of thoughts about this one, so hey, why not blog about it.  I'll just put an informal book review out there.  Plus, maybe someone will be curious and pick it up too. 

I found this book while at my sister-in-law's house over Thanksgiving.  Her general opinion was that the book expressed some very extreme views of a wife's role in a marriage which initially threw her off but after thinking about all the struggling marriages she has seen, she thought, "You know what?  We could afford to go more in that extreme."  I was intrigued, especially since I've heard about Michael and Debi Pearl and not in a good way. 

The Pearls have been in the parenting news for recommending some pretty strict discipline methods.  Apparently, some people have taken their methods and actually killed their children.  This craziness has led people to completely denounce the Pearls themselves as evil.  Honestly, that fact alone doesn't terribly concern me.  There are always extremists who take a particular lifestyle or parenting method or diet plan and mis-apply it.  That doesn't mean that those extremists exemplify the entire school of thought.  For instance, just because these vegan parents killed their baby by only feeding him soy milk and apple juice while attempting to adhere to their nutritional choice does not automatically make the vegan lifestyle a bad choice.  Granted, I have not yet read the parenting book that has inspired much of the venom I have seen directed towards the Pearls.  I did order it from Amazon so I can check it out and see what I think for myself. 

Back to the book...I have to say that I pretty much agree with my sister in law about the book.  Debi's premise in the book (which is directed solely at women) comes from Genesis 2:18 - And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. (meaning the woman).  The book explores the various ways in which a wife can become her husband's perfect counterpart from having a merry heart, to cultivating an attitude of thankfulness and contentment, to making her husband's dreams her own, to taking her job of "keeper of the home" and chief child caretaker seriously, to being modest, to being playful and so on. 

I did appreciate much of this book.  Thoughts like these really challenged me:

 - Most people have practiced hitting the wrong notes of bitterness, sourness, hurt feelings, and frustration so long that their soul finds the discordant notes easily, almost without thought.  But, you don't have to keep on practicing discord; you can practice joy and thanksgiving just as easily, and certainly with more pleasure.  Every day, every right response makes the fingers of your soul find the notes of joy and thanksgiving easier and easier, until it is so natural.

 - Were you mad at your husband this week over something he did, like being late, speaking to you rudely, or yelling at the kids?  Did you seethe with bitterness and intentionally avoid looking into his eyes so as to express your disdain?...Yes, your husband deserved it.  Yes, it is your right.  But, is there any satisfaction in your punishing responses?  He practices his faults, and you practice your bitterness.
-  A man will allow his woman many, many faults, as long as he knows that she thinks he is great.
-  You are what you think, and God tells you how to think: Think the truth.   This is not the power of positive thinking; this is the power of the truth as God defines it.
-  You were created to be your husband's helper, not his conscience, not his vocation director, and certainly not his critic.

There have been many positive things that I've thought about and been challenged about because of this book.  But...there are some things that nag at me too.  Such as...

1) In the section about how a wife should be "chaste" (per Titus 2:4-5), she blames Bathsheba for David's actions - taking her for his own, killing her husband, etc.  She claims that if Bathsheba had just not been bathing on the roof, none of that would have happened.  Right.  Ok.  I'm no Bible scholar, but I've never heard the blame for that situation placed squarely on her shoulders.  Any scholars want to chime in on that one?

2) There are entirely too many inferences to how wonderful the Pearls' intimate life is and how much they enjoy each other's bodies.  Don't get me wrong, I'm married to Dave Spence so it's not like I haven't heard this stuff before.  I'm glad an older woman is open about intimacy.  I'm glad they're happy in that regard.  But really.  I don't want to hear how her long hair makes him....um...interested...in certain activities.  It doesn't help that they look like this:

3) In her "Standard Dumb-Cluck Test" for determining whether a wife has the quality of goodness (meaning the ability to put love into action), her first three questions are a) Does natural healing not grab your attention? b) Have you neglected to check out what vaccinations might do to your child's health? c) Have you considered what store-bought, prepared cereal has in it?  Well, I guess I'm a dumb cluck then.

4) Somewhere towards the end, she gets into discussing whether women should wear pants (fine, I think?), whether women should wear head coverings (only if your husband wants you to), and what to do if there's a conflict over the use of birth control.  It's a point she makes in the last discussion that gets me. 
      She says this: We have noticed that big families are more likely to produce children who are emotionally stable and less self-centered, with a better-than-average probability of growing up to be dependable, balanced adults.  The most selfish people I have known were an only child, or a last child who came along ten years behind the other children and grew up like an only child. [Ok, I'm the oldest of six children so I have nothing against big families at all.  But I do sort of resent the thought process that small families will generate selfish, emotionally unstable children.]
      She also says this: I know that I grew as a person with the birth and training of each of my children.  [I agree completely here] The burden of caring for a child, worrying, praying, and training them will cause maturity in young mothers and fathers.  Without children, teenage brides often remain immature, with little thought about the needs of others. [Bother anyone else?  First of all, the maturity will only come if the parent is open to growth and the direction of the Holy Spirit.  Secondly, teenage brides?!?!?!]

5) The question comes up about what a wife should do if she discovers her husband has been molesting her children.  Debi counsels the woman to call the authorities, testify against him in court and hope that he spends at least 20 years in prison.  Then she advises this: Visit him [in prison] and be an encouragement to him.  Get him books and tapes on good Bible teaching and let him see the children three or four times a year in the prison visiting area.  Children heal better from sexual assaults when they know the perpetrators (even their fathers) are punished for it.  [AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT?!?!   I would not be taking my children to visit their molestor.  Sorry.]

So, to sum it up...I took a lot away from this book.  But I don't feel like I could start recommending this book left and right to everyone in the world without cautioning them to make sure to evaluate the principles Debi writes about from a Scriptural point of view.  Sometimes she is right on in challenging women to make a radical change to become their husband's helper in life.  She encourages us to look at the Bible's picture of a virtuous woman and put it into practice.  I'm just not sure that I agree with her application of these principles in every instance.  I would be curious to hear someone else's thoughts on this, so if you have time, pick it up, read it and e-mail me with your impressions.